Sneaky Vulture Tricks, Volume III

I'd like to start this blog out with one of my new favorite quotes.... It's from the Raccoon Whisperer, about me.

"The notion that someone could keep you in line is absurd. They'll find bigfoot first."

Love it. I think I need a t-shirt that says that.

Anyway.

Apparently, I have no blogged in awhile. The other morning, I got an email from my mom that said "Good morning. November 24th, Really? Love, Mom."

The next day, I got a gchat message from the Prince that said "I know I've been slacking on emailing, but I also noticed that you've been slacking on blogging."

Bru-tal. If the prince and my mom are demanding blogging, I suppose I had better get to it!

That said, it has been a long time since I've touched upon the topic of vultures.

Firstly, I'd like to share that there is a new species in town. Not exactly in the bird fam, but a parasite nonetheless.

I'm talking about cockroaches.

Cockroaches are individuals that scurry about in odd and frenetic manners. Of course, this was written with a certain individual in mind, but since his status as a cockroach was discovered, we've noticed cockroach-like tendencies in other individuals.

If you haven't already, you really need to read Sneaky Vulture Tricks Volume I and Sneaky Vulture Tricks Volume II.

The worst type of vulture, the velociraptor, or king of the vultures, is even worse if he has cockroach blood in him. That makes him much more likely to partake in the first vulture trick on the list.

Anyway, there is something that will soon be in my repertoire, and I can almost not wait for it to flourish. That is the VV or vulture violation. Vultures will be given citations for using the sneaky tricks. It's still in development. I am looking forward to handing the first one out, and I think I know who will get it!

Swoop swoop.

I also want to remind my readership that when a good-intentioned man does these things (well, before most of volume 3.... volume 3 is pretty much pure heinosity), it's glorious. But when a vulture does them, it is straight shitttttaaaay!

Without further ado....

22. Being cute, nice, or friendly to our friends. "Oh, I am in love with your friend, make sure you take care of her." Shut up. You are not. You are a fricking vulture. Don't use my friends to get me to fall helplessly prey to your damn charms? Get out of my father's Lexus (my father does not have a Lexus, but one time whilst shopping, LL heard an interesting man say "get out of my father's Lexus" to another guy in a story about failing his driver's test. Hi-larious. Had to steal it.).

Numbers 23-25 are all in a separate sub-category I like to call "secret women."

23. Having a girlfriend. What in hell? If you have a girlfriend, why are you talking to me? Are you so amazing and so much to handle that you have to have more than one woman? I doubt it. If you want me, get rid of her first. I shouldn't have people giving me shirts that say "I'm his mistress" because of the way that I've been attracting boys with girlfriends almost exclusively for over a year. What in hell, I say again, what in hell?

***Note added 5-7-09****

This has been SO prevalent, that I have been given TWO shirts to commemorate this - one that says "I'm his Mistress" and another that says "Tell Your Boyfriend to Stop Texting Me." Lawd.

Ok, back to the old blog!

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24. Having a wife. This one isn't anything I can speak of from personal experience, but I have friends who can. See #23, but someone should also slap you, douchebag.

25. Having secret children... Having children is fine, but why not be proud? That's cute. Unless you are just pretending, and doing that whole sneaky vulture trick from volume one, like with being good with kids or animals. I should not know you for several months and then find out you have a litter somewhere, that I still know just about nothing about. Fiff. I suppose things could be worse. This isn't that bad, just bizarre. I wanted a round number, which isn't very normal for the girl who sets her alarm and microwave clocks for times like 6:41 or 2:32 and so on. I hate round numbers! Ah well.

So that's that. Been a little sick lately, but am getting over it, I think.

Was in a couple fashion shows a couple weeks ago.... You can see pictures on www.myspace.com/milwaukeestreet in the slideshow for "Fred/Red Heel Fashion Show." There are also pictures from the one I was in the next night, which you can see on www.themilwaukeescene.com, if you go to Gallery and then to "NEWD one-year Anniversary/MOCT" or something like that. Good times. I was hammmmmmmered. Part of the payment for the show was a free bar tab. Dangerous! I ended up trying to steal a male model's shirt from off of his body, in front of his parents. I then ran into him a week later at Nad's birthday party, and didn't recognize him, and was a little surprised when he proposed, told me he loved me and was infatuated with me, and then invited me both to Christmas with his family, as well as on a roadtrip to Florida. Hmmm.... Brut brut!

P.S. He was smart. He asked if I was married, and if I had children. Why don't my friends and I do that??

Well, I think I am going to go back to watching Coming to America now. Had to get into the Randy Watson spirit, since tomorrow is Thursday!

Still trying to think of where we wanna go on NYE. I want a kiss at midnight! Fiff. Any vultures free? Ah-ah-ah-ah.

I'll try to blog again soon.... I started one on Ousmane's birthday (Dec. 7th) but have yet to finish it.