Sneaky Vulture Tricks (Volume I)

Alright... This is probably my favorite blog ever. I wrote it back in July, but it still applies. Actually, I am pretty sure that it is like the ten commandments - it will be an everlasting document. Perhaps I shall carve it into stone? Anyway... Enjoy!

I warn you, this is kinda going to be a rant. After both my roommate* and I got vulched tonight in very separate situations, we had yet another discussion on boys and their sneaky tricks. I correct myself - vultures, and their sneaky tricks. We discussed and compiled a list, and I look forward to the feedback of anyone who reads this. Pardon the bitterness, I am almost done with a bottle of Chardonnay on another sleepless night. Also, I want to note that this is in no way a how-to manual for boys to get myself or Danielle to fall in love with you so that you can be bastards to us. If you do this, I will kill you.

That said, here's the list.

1. Swooping in intermittently. By this, I mean calling, talking to us, giving us glimmers of hope just often enough that we can't get you off our mind, but not often enough that we feel confident that the relationship is going anywhere. Just enough to drive us crazy, and give us no sense of security.

2. Smelling good. We know you stink. But you bastard vultures camouflage your natural stink with things like deodorant and cologne, and then when you hug us (see #3), you leave these delicious smells behind, so that we can continue smelling and thinking of you. Heinous!

3. Hugs/cuddling. You have developed an embrace that makes you unforgettable. You are the best in the world at cuddling, and you cuddle with us a bunch of times, and then fly off into the sunset. That makes us feel safe and at home in your arms, when we should be keeping in mind that you are a predator... Because you are a predator. Just because you are bigger than us, and know how to hug a girl doesn't mean that we should lose sight of the fact that you are really a wolf in sheep's clothing.

4. Bigness. I am a sucker for bigness, and I don't mean this in a sexual way. My first blog was about my love for Shaquille O'Neal. Don't know if you noticed, but he is big. As a youngster, I had a crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is also big. My dad is 6'2" and about 230lbs, which is big. I have always loved being carried around by a big man... And my love for big men has made me lose sight of the fact that they are carrying me away (meant physically AND mentally/emotionally) for less-than-innocent reasons. Big bastards and your f'ing huge wingspans!**

5. The charming smile. You jerks. What are you smiling about? And how do us ladies (carcasses, if you will, to keep the analogy going) confuse it for sweetness or love, when it is most likely truly a "haha, she's falling for my sneaky tricks, I know it, and it makes me happy" kind of a smile? Oh, I will kill you.

6. Empty promises. Oh, I will change. I mean it when I say.... BS! You aren't going to change or do whatever it is you say you are going to do. Now just shut your mouth when you're talking to me. If you don't have something honest to say, then don't say it at all, I say!

7. Musicality. I am not even sure that that is a word, but I am sick of being won over by someone's ability to sing or play an instrument or dance. I am a special sucker for dancers and pianists. No, not penises, pianists. I think that I would swoon immediately if someone played me a song on the piano and sang to me, and then took me out dancing. But why? You ain't special, you pianist you. You are just trying to trick me.

8. Voice. Boys have great voices. Something about the deeperness. I know that that is not a word, but I do not care. I am just saying that since I hate all things high-pitched that I am a sucker for any boy with a voice deeper than mine, and it doesn't even always matter what they are saying. I am also a sucker for those who have voices that speak French, or those who want to hear me speak French. I love speaking French and so far, no one I have ever dated has cared or wanted to hear it. I don't care if you understand me or not. Humor me.

9. Liking animals/children. This one kills me. I think it is so cute to see a guy and a puppy. As an educator, I am very impressed by a man who is good with kids. But seriously... So sneaky!

10. Blending in... Ah yes, for my final rant, I chose "blending in." I have met guys who are not vultures. Plenty of them. But then I have also met guys who are vultures, but hid it well for a long time. How are us girls supposed to tell what species you are? If you are a vulture, admit it and swoop with pride. If you are not, then please step into my office (after a few more months of me being single, because I am really not ready for you yet... But I would love to hook you up with someone who is!).

Before I end this rant, I want to add a disclaimer. I am not a man-hater. In fact, most of my friends are probably guys, and it seems to me that most aren't vultures. I am just struggling today. I also want to say that although there are specific people who come into mind from either my life experiences or the life experiences of my friends for each number, that this rant was not written about a specific guy at all. What I am saying is, this is about vulturous guys who are bad and know it. I know that not all guys are vultures. If I didn't believe that, I would be a lesbian.

Just sayin'.

End rant.

(Ok, not really end rant, because there's always Sneaky Vulture Tricks Volume II and Sneaky Vulture Tricks Volume III, PLUS the Vulture National Anthem sent to me by Brian!)

**** HAHA! I just re-read this for the first time since July! So funny. I'm not this bitter right now, but there are definitely times in between then and now that I have been! And I think that some of the parts are definitely hilarious, considering who I currently spend my time being interested in, and who I was with in the meantime... Those who know me know this is funny...

* For any strangers reading this, Danielle is my roommate. Love her to death. All four feet and eleven inches of her!

** This cracked me up. Although eh doesn't seem to be a vulture, 7'3" of wingspan is pretty f'ing significant!