Sneaky Vulture Tricks (Volume II)

Sneaky Vulture Tricks, Volume II.

Did you really think that vultures only had ten tricks? Come on now, let's get serious. While many have bird brains... They definitely have more up their feathered, long wingspanned sleeves than anyone lets on. And trust me, I have dealt with some long wingspans.
I want to apologize if this is weak compared to volume 1. Sequels usually are. Cut me a break. Plus, I am 100% sober, unless there are remnants from this past weekend going on.

Also, please accept my apologies for the length of time this took to be composed. To be honest, I had been just too happy and carefree to even get upset about any vultures... But that only lasts so long, and I read something that made me miss being in a loving, romantic relationship, so I guess I am bitter for now, which will hopefully work in the favor of my readers!
I also want to reiterate my ultra important point that this is not a guidebook to being a life-ruiner. Use it that way on any of my girls, and I will personally end you.
And finally, I want to say again that this is not about anyone in particular, but vultures as a species.

And without further adooooo....

11. Being evasive. What is wrong with just being up front? Why you gotta be ambiguous? Are you the Ace or Gary of feelings? If so, then you should wear a cape. It would be at the very least sexy, which is a definite positive addition to just eminating utter confusion. Why choose playing games and acting like you're not interested, or you're maybe interested, when you can just be like "I think I like you, let's get to know each other."

(Sidenote: An excerpt from Wedding Crashers...

"Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."

end of sidenote, back to sneaky tricks)

I'll tell you why boys are evasive... Because it drives us ladies crazy. How are we supposed to get them off our minds and move on with our lives when we can't stop analyzing their every move to determine whether they're feelin' us? But don't tell boys that. And this only works for so long, at least on me, because I just lose patience and give up apparently.

12. Touching. This one needs to be broken down into two sub-groups, because there are at least two (well, these ones come to mind) ways that vultures use touching to trick us ladies.

a. Extraneous touching. If I am standing in a crowded bar, and a vulture is walking past me, puts a hand on my shoulder, says "excuse me" and then steps past me, and then puts his other hand on my hand or waist on the departure... He is not tricking anyone. Seriously, Roamin' Hands McGee, who are we kidding? I mean, yes, I do take notice... But only in a "why in the hell is this a-hole touching me so much" kind of creepy way. Or, there's the good side of it... The "I am going to make my point ten times stronger by touching my hand to your leg," or the "I am going to be quasi macho and aggressive and show my big tough manliness by getting in a fake fight with you" or even the "I am going to casually tap you mid conversation for no reason" trick. If I have nicknamed you "double touch" you should just leave. For good. What's even more absurd is when vultures just up and move you, or a part of your body. Who do you think you are? OK, now I am just rambling... On to part B!

b. Romantic or flirtatious touching/massages. There is nothing like a strong man putting his strong hands on... 'Nuff said. You sneaky sneaky bastids. I hate you. Or at least I wish I did. I mean seriously. If I say "my back is sore" and your are giving me a massage before I can properly face my back to you... You're just asking for trouble. Only do this type of thing if you actually care about the soreness and the muscles, not just to seem nice or have an excuse to touch a poor girl.

13. Being in shape. Any shape. Men's bodies are so tempting... Whether you have an adorably perfect amount of pudge, or so little body fat that you don't even feel like a person - just skin on brick... Damn you. How dare you exist and be so attractive?! Bitches. I will kill you. I don't even care that this is not your fault. I never claimed to be fair here.

14. Guilt trips - I thought that this was "something chicks do. Your not a chick, are you?" Ahhh, Old School. Anyway, yeah. This one isn't really my thing, at least not recently, but it goes out to someone who knows who she is. It's for you, girl, and I love you. Always have. All I am sayin' is that if you love something, let it go. If someone is clearly trying to break up with you, let them go. But above all, and this is really driving the point home.... If you are upset about something, just say it. Don't make a girl feel bad on purpose and never really say what's on your mind. Save the games for the bedroom olympics, son!

15. Shyness - "Oh, look at me, I don't talk because I am bashful and cute. And I am so intimidated by all of your awesomeness and your amazing friends, that I can't even utter a word for fear that I might embarass myself." Why do I latch on to this behavior? Why do I feel like I need to take these boys under my wing to make sure they are amply enjoying life, when I should be realizing that I just got reeled in to a vulture's nest??? I simply need to remember that they are the ones with wings, not me. F'ing vultures. Swoop swoop!

16. Compliments - "What's it like to know that when you walk into anywhere, you will be the most attractive person in the place?" Are you serious? I don't think I even need to explain why the compliments are just absurd. If you can make a realistic statement that is heartfelt about someone, by all means, do it to it. But if you are just going to say the most absurd thing you can think of to try to get me to the top of your tree and into the nest so that you can push me out of it, just get out of my grill. Are you wearing astronaut pants? Because your ass is out of this world. PUH-LEASE. I think I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit.

17. Apologies - You f'ing tricksters. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you are just going to do the same damn thing again, don't apologize for it.

But on the other hand, if you are an a-hole and know it, but want to change, appologize. Come on now. It's not that hard. I am pretty sure this idea starting being brought to boys' minds at a very young age. Fiff.

18. Number 18 is about any little reminder that a boy is thinking about a girl... For example, when a vulture knows that his girl is out at a bar, and sends a "you should be thinking about me right now" sort of text message. If this is a loving, committed, and serious relationship, or a blossoming one in the cute stage, by all means... Keep that shit coming. But if it's a struggle, and something that just shouldn't be... Pull your life together and let the girl have some fun without being reminded about how miserable you make her life at times.

19. Gifts - This is just the sneakiest. No explanation needed.

20. Alcohol - Are we serious here? Beer goggles... I don't know. But personality enhancer? Fo shizza. Get off my block. People who aren't equally cool sober as drunk really just need to take some time to figure out their lives. And people who give other people alcohol to make theirselves seem more appetizing... Just get out of here! I think this one is another that doesn't really require explanation. But it is sneaky, and ladies.... Beware!

21. Uniqueness - This one just breaks my heart, and it is another one that isn't really the vulture's fault, but I am still angry about it anyway, so I will throw reasonableness (I don't know if that is a real word or not, but I pulled off saying "optimisticnessism" or something like that without too bad of a consequence the other night, so I am just going to let that one fly) to the wind and bitch about it. Life would be infinitely easier if vultures didn't have a couple good qualities that shine through that you just know that they'll be impossible to find in another. F. I am not going to elaborate any more on this one, either.

OK, well, I think that this has been sufficiently long, and hopefully informative or at the very least, amusing. I have one more apology about it, and that is that there really isn't agreement or consistancy. Some of the time I wrote it directly to vultures, sometimes to girls as a warning, and sometimes just a general article. Deal with it. Because if after reading this, that is your concern, and not the wisdom laid down within... I got nothing to say to you!

Alright, I am going to dump the rest of this half-empty glass of haterade down the drain and go pull my life together.

Oh, and I am sure there will be a volume three. Stopping at 21 isn't necessarily an accident here.***

Peace out.


*** At the time this was written, I was "seeing" a 21 year old... But not the 21-year old that I am "seeing" now who actually just turned 22. Who needs to pull her life together???