Vultures, and Michael Douglas in a Bottle

So after my last blog post, about St. Patrick's Day, LL gave me a little bit of shit about the fact that I was posting something two months old, and made some other comment about how absurd and ranom my life is, so I thought I'd go all out and post something really old... Like, still in college really old, since I wasn't blogging then.

Amidst the brainstorming for what to write, I thought back just a couple nights.... This past Saturday, I went to Crystal Lake, IL for a Tia Lyn trunk show (photos below).

Then I went to Westchester, IL, to the Prince's palace to meet up with Cari and Matt (the Prince), and we left immediately for Chicago, to go see Mike and Joe, as well as to celebrate the Prince's 25th birthday and his friend Scooter's 26th birthday (yeah. more birthdays. I survived!).

I'm not sure if I've ever blogged about this glorious band or not, but they are simply amazing. Normally, I don't even listen to the kind of music that they play, but there are very few bands that I would rather go see than Mike and Joe. They are primarily a cover band, but they have some awesome originals as well.... It's basically like going to see like 30 bands live, because thye are able to play the songs either as well as, or better than the original artists.... One summer I saw 60 live acts perform, so I would like to consider myself slightly an expert on this - haha. Anyway, suffice it to say that I've seen some of the bands that Mike and Joe cover, and have decided afterward that I would just rather see Mike and Joe!

Wow, that was quite the tangent, as well as quite the commercial for Mike and Joe. At this point, I may as well mention that you should check out www.mikeandjoe.com to buy cd's of this glorious band, or to see their tour schedule so you can experience it live for yourself.

*end of commercial*

Anyway, I don't know what was up with people this past Saturday at Mike and Joe. It was absurd. Ok, I get hit on here and there. It happens. I'm female. But I don't think I've ever been hit on so badly in my life than this past Saturday.

I don't know what the deal was. I don't think I looked especially good. In fact, I thought I looked like a Sunday School Teacher- I had forgotten my jeans in Milwaukee, so I had to wear what I wore to the trunk show.... Here's some pictures of our group.....

Anyway, not only were people hitting on me frequently, but in the least mature ways possible. This was to the point where if I wasn't having so much fun otherwise, it would've ruined my night. It was even to the point where I said to Danielle, "This is ridiculous.... And I'm not even wearing Michael Douglas in a Bottle!" That will make more sense to you soon! Anyway, the night was heinous brutality. Here are some examples:

1. One guy's approach was to blame the spillage of someone's drink on me, or Cari. First of all, Cari was the designated driver. She had one drink at the very beginning of the night, and then was done. She is a lightweight, but not that bad! I remember the whole night, and this happened early, so I know it was not me! Plus, since Mike and Joe is a situation where you stand the whole time, I drink my drinks fast, because I have to hold them. My glass was half-full (I am an optimist) at the time, so there's now way I could've been the perpetrator of the spillage. Anyway, he got all mad at me, and then I basically told him to leave us alone and that we didn't spill the drink. Like 15 minutes later, he wants to know why I am so cold.

Well, douchebag, why should I be nice to someone whose first conversation with me is accusing my friends and I of being beligerant drink-spillers? Are we serious about life here?

Then he claimed that he came up to me and said hi before that, and I had just turned away.

Negative.

I hadn't seen that man before in my life. I asked him if it had occurred to him that I did not hear him come and say hi to me, and then he started apologizing profusely. Fiff. Too bad I didn't hear this, because he would've been the most impressive guy of the night!

2. When I was walking back to our friends after ordering drinks, some dude grabbed my ass. Is this 5th grade? Then when I immediately turned around to say something, this guy puts his hands up and says "I didn't do it, it was him" and pointed to a guy with both hands full. I'm sure....

3. Speaking of 5th grade, I think that he was still ahead of another guy who sent his friend to talk to Cari to tell me that I am cute and ask if I have a boyfriend. Whaaaaaat? I should've told her to tell him that I don't like guys who don't wear big boy pants.

4. Here's a heinous crime in itself. Cari and I are on our way to the bar, and this guy steps in my way. I step to the left to go around him, and he steps to the right (his right) to continue blocking me. So I step to the right. He steps left. Finally I stutter-step and push him to get around him. Does he really think that getting between my destination and I, especially when that destination involves a drink, is going to be the key to getting my attention in a positive way? Nope. Get a life!

5. And the winner is...... Ok, this guy was so heinous that Matt's friends, some that I had never even met, were getting pissed off. Right away when we got there and were listening to the HEINOUS opening act, he offered Cari a beer. That was a nice gesture, but since she was driving and doesn't drink beer, it was unsuccessful. Well, worry not, this man does not give up. Ever. He then kept trying to dance with us, but I kept pushing him away, or just looking at him like he was insane, or turning around away from him, or dancing with Danielle instead. This didn't work, and at one point, Cari just said "I think you're going to have to be mean." So I said "I'm sorry, but I am here to hang out with all of my friends, and I don't really want to dance with you." You'd think that would be effective. Well it would've been, if the goal had been to get the guy to keep trying to dance with me, or to stand a few feet away and stare at me creepily. It got to be so bad that Matt's friends were pretending to dance with me, and then one of them finally went up to a bouncer (who looked and behaved like he was in the damn secret service - haha) and told him that if he didn't do something about it, then Matt's friends were going to hurt him. So Secret Service man talked to me and then watched the guy be creepy to me and other girls, went to talk to him for a second, and then the guy ran away. Ha!

Damn vultures!!!!

Here's a picture of Matt's friends imitating Creepy McCreepenstein 3000.

The night was not a loss, though. I got to hang out with Cari, Danielle, the Prince, the pool boy, Scooter, those other friends of Matt and the Pool Boy who were very nice, as well as Megan (who is the handball champion of the world - literally) and Julie.

Plus, I got Joe of Mike and Joe to shout out Matt and Scooter's birthday... And I got the chance to talk to Joe for a little while between sets and after the show, and he was incredibly nice and down-to-earth, so that was good.

There's also the absurdity afterward at McDonald's when a beligerant Prince Matt was exceedingly disappointed with the service at 4am, and kept referring to the employees as "fucking jerkoffs" and "fucking assclowns." I'm sure it's one of those "you had to be there" things, but it was hilarious.

Overall, though, due to the awesomeness of my friends, friends of friends, and Mike and Joe, it was a great night! (I kinda giggled when I just typed about the awesomeness of Mike and Joe because I was babbling about that a little to Joe, and then I was convinced that I sounded like I was hammered, so then I started babbling about not being hammered... It was ridiculous. I don't think my mind was all there that night!).
Wow. I was supposed to be writing about something from a couple years ago, and I've gone off on a tangent again! Yikes. No wonder these bad boys end up being so long!

Alright. Here it is. The story I intended to write!

I'm sure you all know who Michael Douglas is. He's been in way more movies than you'd guess, I think. Danielle and I once decided that we were going to watch all of Michael Douglas' movies. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Anyway, it is well-known that Senor Douglas (if you will, and I know you will!) is a sex addict. It is also a well-known fact that he played a leading role in the movie "Basic Instinct."

Anyway, a couple years ago, I hosted a Pure Romance party at Danielle's and my apartment up in Madison. One of the things they sell is this oil that you put on as perfume. It apparently has pheromones in it, and is supposed to attract the opposite sex, so much so that on the bottle it says "Sex attractant." The name of the stuff is called "Basic Instinct."

Well, Danielle and I both bought it. I don't know what happened to mine - I think my exboyfriend stole it (haha). But Danielle still has hers. Let me tell you, this stuff smells amazing. I'm going to have to reorder some.... But we don't really wear it much, and Danielle lets me use hers whenever I want, so I suppose it's not urgent.

Danielle and I were a little put off by the fact that the label says "Basic Instinct Sex Attractant" so we decided to rename it. Fortunately for us, it came with a piece of foam around it that was easy to write a new name upon. We decided, since it was in the middle of our quest to watch all the Michael Douglas movies, to rename this product "Michael Douglas in a bottle" because of his allure to the opposite sex as well as his role in Basic Instinct. So the bottle still says that to this day.

Danielle and I decided to do a bit of a social experiment. We dressed as we normally would to go out on a Saturday night in Madison, but we decided to throw on some Michael Douglas in a Bottle and see if this stuff worked.

In these days, it was different. We didn't go straight to Brother's and stay there until Dan kicked us out. Somehow, we managed to fit an obscene amount of bars into one night. I still don't know how we did it. We'd go out at 11-1130ish and still get to four bars and drink at all of them before bar time.

This night, we started at the State. We'd start far away, and slowly move back towards our apartment, stopping at bars in between.

Nothing really exciting happened at the State.... We drank and moved on to Paul's Club. This bar is a place that is frequented by more mature individuals, and is cool because there is a huge tree in the middle of the bar.

While we were waiting in line, a strange man started talking to us. We'll label this as occurance #1.

This man was doing a lot of mumbling, but the first intelligible thing he told me was that he was friends with my dad. Well, that's great, sir, but I don't believe you. He stayed and waited in line with us awhile, and then shared with us that his profession was a carpet cleaner. We talked to him a little bit about this, which was just about as fascinating as it sounds.

Next topic? He is also a war veteran. I don't remember which wars he served in (I feel like he mentioned several wars, and I think that it was impossible for him to serve in all of the wars he mentioned, but this was a couple years ago, so please forgive me for my lack of detail recall!). He even showed us his veteran card, as well as several different ID's (one of which he said was proof that he was friends with my dad, although I couldn't comprehend why, and was past the point of asking questions). It was quite interesting.

Then he really dropped the bomb on us. He was an aboriginee! Who knew? I think I speak for both Danielle and I when I say that we did not expect this tidbit of information. I had never met an aboriginee before, and it is probably safe to say that I still haven't. I wish I could say that this story had some sort of fascinating ending, but I can't. For some crazy reason that I still can't wrap my mind around (haha), the bouncer at Paul's Club would not let this man in, and as we entered, he kept mumbling about being friends with my dad, being an aboriginee, and a war veteran.

Onward and upward inside of Paul's Club. In Paul's Club, nothing really spectacular occurred, other than the fact that a group of businessmen who went to college together paid for all of our drinks, and gave us their business cards. We were just barely starting to feel the effects of Michael Douglas in a Bottle's power.

Next stop was Bullfeathers. Now, let me first say that Bullfeather's has been through some changes over the years. It used to be a hotspot for underaged people - my ex went there when he was 17, I'm pretty sure. In my glory days of Feather's, it was known as being kinda a ghetto place to go. It's in a basement, first of all. Also, more 'ghetto-ish' people went there than most other bars. And, what drew me to it, they played more rap and hip hop than most other places.

Another thing that made Bullfeathers an attractive place to go was Simon. I'm not trying to say that Simon himself was attractive, but he had his definite benefits. I met Simon while relaxing on the terrace with Rachel, one of my friends from college (who I miss - come home soon, damnit!). One thing my mom taught me was to always make friends with bartenders and remember their names. Well, that worked out in this case for sure! After that sunny afternoon on the Memorial Union terrace, every time I went to Bullfeathers, I said hi to Simon. He rarely remembered my name, but always claimed to remember meeting me. So, he gave us drinks for like a dollar or something. Glorious!

Anyway, D and I were waiting outside of Bullfeathers (the line used to be heinous at times in those days. Now, there are only like 4 people inside, and no line). There was a chick standing outside in serious stripper boots - they were like thigh-high stillettos with the platform bottoms... We're clearly talking about the epitome of classy. And when I say "we're," I meant the guys behind us, who were also men in their forties and back for the football game. One of them loudly said "Wow, she looks like a stripper in those boots," or something of the sort, in his deep, manly voice.

The stripper-esque girl immediately shot me the death stare. What? Me? Why you mad at me? I don't talk like a man! I can't throw my voice! Recognize, beeyotch!

Anyway, this gave the gentleman who actually did insult the ho-bag a great excuse to start talking to D and I. We didn't talk about anything fascinating. In fact, I think most of the conversation was talking about the stripper boots incident and then me giving him shit for being a Gopher (Minnesota sucks!). Either Michael Douglas in a Bottle was having a phenomenal effect on such a gentleman, or the conversation was stimulating as a mo-fo, because when we finally got in, the man attempted to give me $20 to drink with the rest of the night. What?

Who does that? First of all, $20 is enough to be drunk for a week at Bullfeathers, especially apparently for those wearing MD in a B. Second of all, what? Are you really paying us to talk to you? Ridiculous. I couldn't take it.

So then we walk in and get our id's checked, and this guy looks at Danielle, and drops is drink. Hey-oh! I know she's hot, but seriously, hold onto your glass my man!

The next situation is what really made the night absurd. Well, I suppose the aboriginee guy helped the absurdity level a bit as well!

So Danielle and I are standing in our usual spot (which was always inadvertantly under a vent that blows cold ass air), enjoying overly-strong, low-priced drinks, when a girl comes up and starts talking to us.

Situation seems pretty normal at first, although it isn't often that girls approach other girls...

Then all of the sudden it gets weird....

She says, "I feel really weird asking this, but you seem like a nice girl..."

And I start to get scared....

".... but do you think you could give my friend a lap dance?"

WHAAAT? If there were sound effects on here, I would have that sound of a record going crazy.... Or the sound that a video makes if you rewind it with the volume way up. Or a car slamming on the breaks.

Did that girl seriously ask me to give her friend a lap dance?

My jaw just dropped open. I don't even know how Danielle reacted at first, because honestly, I was catatonic, I think.

But wait, there's more! Just when you didn't even think it was possible, this girl managed to dig herself an even deeper hole.

She went on to tell me that she was looking around the bar, and that I was someone that she thought would do it.

WHAAAAT?

Those of you who know me know that I am not really so much of a scandalous dresser. I just looked at her, and asked if she was serious, and whether she thought I looked like a slut.

Then she got all flustered and tried to explain that the kid in question, who was in need of a lap dance, was the son of a preacher man, and that she didn't want anyone slutty to be doing it, but that I seemed fun and classy, and really cool, and then she thought that maybe I would do it. She also, of course, tried to butter me up and tell me that her friend thought I was gorgeous, or something like that.

Ok, that's a little better, but am I really the kind of girl that will go and give some random ass individual a lap dance?

I told her that I didn't think I would be participating, and wished her good luck in finding someone.

She left, and after a little while, some other chick came up and talked to us, which, like I said, was weird. Just doesn't happen often. I can't recall what the discussion was, just that she wasn't very interesting of a person.

Then Danielle and I were alone again to discuss life and politics and philosophy. Oh wait.... It's probably much more likely that we were sitting around and making fun of people.

Not too long into our making fun of people (well, let's be honest. I was probably making fun of people, and sweet Danielle was probably laughing), the lapdance girl came back and said that she felt really bad for insulting me, and she wanted to buy Danielle and I each a drink for being so cool and understanding of the situation.

That was nice, so we accepted. The girl left, and we drank the aforementioned drinks.

Meanwhile, Danielle and I are kinda keeping an eye on this girl and her group of friends (all guys), and seeing if anyone has taken them up on their offer. No one did. I started to feel bad for taking the drinks, and thought the girl was super nice.... And I think the hella-strong drinks at Feather's were taking effect, because I decided I'd go and say hi to the group.

So I did.... And I got over there, and a good song came on.... Perhaps it was Mystikal? I don't know, it was a couple years ago.... Anyway, I danced around in front of the kid a little bit, for perhaps 30 seconds. Not IN his lap or anything. The reactions of him and his friends were hilarious. They thanked me immensely, and we all went on our way.

The rest of the night was uneventful. I don't know if it was a full moon, if there were just a ton of bizarre people in town, or if it really was Michael Douglas in a Bottle that was to blame. All I know is that MD in a B should be used with caution!

And P.S. I am pretty sure my "lap dancing" days are over, so don't get any ideas!