Seriously, who crashes a bridal shower?

I had been craving a cheeseburger for awhile. Not just any cheeseburger, but Kewpee's cheeseburgers. They are the best in the world. Literally. It's science.

My good friends Mara and LL had mentioned that they had never really experienced Racine, my hometown. I couldn't believe it. I figured that they should really experience such a place, and that they should definitely at least leave with a good taste in their mouths.... Well.... I tried.

Mara had a Saturday off, so she came down from Madison to Milwaukee. After getting lost in many of the most absurd of ways, she finally made it to our house, and we made the short trip from the Mil to Raycilla, Wiscompton.

I'd like you to take a moment to check out "Welcome to Wisconsin" by the Raytown Hustlas - www.myspace.com/theraytownhustlas. It's also not a bad idea to catch the documentary "World's Best Prom" which actually is about my prom (www.worldsbestprom.com). I'm in it for about one tenth of a second, haha. Both of these masterpieces give you a good idea about Raytown, if the following story doesn't tell you enough.

Anyway.

So we go to Kewpees, and I get my usual. Two cheeseburgers, fries, and a rootbeer. The other girls order the same thing, but didn't realize that the cheeseburgers are normal-sized, and so they were in over their heads a bit. Oh well, turns out we'd need the good base anyway.

Then we decide to check out one of Racine's best parts - downtown. Main Street shopping, specifically. It was nice. A highlight included a cute new store called "Elegant Pauper" which included many items that had a map of Wisconsin, complete with a star on Racine and the phrase "Racine: The Hamptons of the Midwest," on them. That is so ironic and ridiculous, it's not even funny. Oh wait. It's actually hilarious.

I figured while I was in town, the girls should meet my mom. They'd been dying to anyway, and I thought it would really round out a great Racine experience.

I called my mom, and she was at a bridal shower. Darn.

Called her again later. She was still there.

"Why don't you guys just stop by?" she says.

"We aren't invited. We can't just crash a bridal shower!" says I.

"Sure you can. Here's the address."

So off we were, on for another adventure.

I told LL and Mara - "Why do I have a feeling that we won't even make it back to Milwaukee, and that we'll end up getting hammered at this little party?"

Called it. Well, almost.

So we get to the party, and it's a pretty standard Racine crowd, except for this absurd squirrel, who was in the bird feeder.





The party's theme was a luau. This reminded me of an absurd night spent in Madison during which a very drunk friend of mine went around asking people "Do you like luaus and shit?" and handing out flyers to someone who he didn't even know's party. That night, and that guy, are an entirely different story, however, and it is time to get to this luau.

In the picture below (from left to right), we have Mr. Turkowski, whose house was used for the party. Then next is JoJo, who used to babysit me as a child. In lime green, taking a drink, is Melissa, the bride-to-be. Next is Cheryl, who is pretty close to having the quote of the day for that day. I'll get to that in a second. And finally, we have Becky, who will also require more explanation.



So. Cheryl's quote. I was talking about a bizarre experience I had with a date who showed up to my house wearing mal-fitting clothes (among other bizarrities - yes, I am aware that I most likely made up that word there). Cheryl says, "Oh, his clothes don't fit? And he knows where you live? I'd move. People whose clothes don't fit usually end up being stalkers."

What?

The reason that would be a quote of the day is pretty clear, I think. Hilarious!

And Becky. She's quite the feisty one. I've known her since I was a small child. She's my aunt's best friend, and is more or less (more more than less) hysterical. This day was no exception.

So we get to the party, and immediately get lei'ed, and are handed tropical rubber duckies, as well as festive glasses with floral straws. I fill my glass with a margarita. I mean really, when the choice is between something that has Tequila in it, and something that does not, is it really even a choice? Let's be serious about life for one second. The answer is no.

Mara and LL had some sort of Wap punch. I believe it involved Champagne, which would've been intriguing to me (I love Champagne), if it weren't for that whole Tequila thing, especially since it was right after my trip to Austin (which I still have to blog about.... Waiting for pictures from John to add to the story). Plus, I was driving, so there was a one-drink rule in effect for me!

Here's Mara, caught by surprise on the left, and LL on the right, enjoying the festivities.




And because I'm nice (although not nice enough, apparently, to not post the caught by surprise one), I did a re-do on the picture for Mara's sake. And here it is!




You may be wondering, "How is it that Cheryl didn't win the quote of the day hands down with that absurdity?"

Well, it's because my mom just may have taken the cake.

Because I have no attention span and can't sit still oftentimes, I kept squeezing my rubber ducky, which caused him to squeak.

Kim, the mother of the bride, said "I didn't know that the duckies squeaked."

It was time for my mom to dole out her motherly wisdom. Here's the bomb she dropped....

"Yeah, he squeaks until you fill him up with alcohol and suck his butt!"

Whaaaaat? Really?

Hilarious.

I was later to be admonished for misquoting her as talking about sucking ass. Not yelled at for saying ass, but just for misrepresenting the situation. Obviously.

Here is another shot of the party.... My aunt Laura is the redhead on the left. Next is the daughter of the people whose house the luau was at. Then there's Mom, looking festive indeed.





The luau started to die down, so we decided that it was time to take the part elsewhere, but not before I got invited to the wedding. Did we go to Milwaukee right away as planned? No, we most certainly did not.

I had always wanted to go to a bar on South Memorial Drive called "Cash Money's." Why? Because it is called "Cash Money's" and that is pure comedy, to me.

Why haven't I gone? Because it is on S. Memorial Drive. My mom won't go with me, and she is pretty bad ass, as is my stepdad, who won't go either. But who is the most bad ass of them all? Apparently, Becky is. She said she'd go, and my mom said that she'd go if Becky went, and Auntie Laura's always up for a good time, so let's do it!

But first, it's time to let Trixie, Becky's dog, out. So we go over to her house and let the dog out. In the meantime, Becky takes us to her basement, and offers us anything we want from her bar. "It's just like college," she says, "You're in a musty basement with a bar."

It is at this point that it is clear that Becky did not go to college. Her bar had bottles such as grey goose and Stoli. There was no Ron Diaz, or even Admiral Nelson. There was no Fleishmann's or Buen Amigo. Silly Becky, your liquor is far superior to a basement in most college houses! So I had a Grey Goose Pear and water (it was just ok, nothing I'd get to have at home or anything. Apparently I am not a fan of pear-flavored beverages).

So we move on. Onward and upward? Certainly not.

On the way to Cash Money's, I decide it would be humorous to put on the cowboy hat I obtained during my trip to Texas. It was a gift from the photographer that I worked with whilst there.

Apparently, I was the only person that thought this was funny. No one said anything. I thought it was equivalent to me wearing one of those viking hats with the horns on it, but.... Wrong again. When I asked about it later, I was told it looked cute. This baffles me, but so do a lot of things in life, so I've kinda stopped asking questions at times.

Also, for the record, I am wearing a tuxedo tank top (as you may notice). I'm wearing this because it says, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party." Cool points go to those who get the reference. And, in retrospect, it seems like perfect attire for someone to wear to crash a bridal party luau.

We get to Cash Money's and the door is locked. Brutal. Well, what can we do? We decide to take a picture in front. So Becky takes my camera and takes this picture. Obviously, the sign was the focal point.




Then she moves in a bit closer, so that we are more visible.... My mom is probably saying something hilarious.




Then Becky comes back, and we start talking about how unfortunate it is that there isn't some hooker nearby that we could give a couple bucks to to take a picture with all of us in it, and that we'd chase her down and beat her ass if she tried to steal my camera, when as if from nowhere, a man with very disgusting teeth appeared as if from nowhere.

He was sweeping the sidewalk behind Cash Money's. I have no idea why.

We asked him to take a picture for us, and he did.




What confuses me here is that this man is sweeping the sidewalk, and not shooting for the cover of National Geographic or Vanity Fair. His skills are.... evident?

He informs us that Cash Money's does not open until 7pm. It was almost 6:30. Hell no we are not waiting around to go to Cash Money's. I am sure that I will have another opportunity. The nice man tells us that if we come back, he will take care of us.

I am sure you will, kind sir, I am sure you will.

Next stop? Hi-O Headquarters. This is where I basically grew up. My mom worked here for like 12 years or something.

One special treat that we enjoyed whilst at Hi-O was Broadway Bake's World Famous Pizza. What? You've never heard of it before?

Weird!




See the sign below? My mom made it like.... 20 years ago, or something crazy like that.

Here's LL and Mara, below, with their first Shorties. I did not partake, because I do not like beer. I had one Captain and Diet, and then several waters.

I wish I could say that a whole bunch of crazy stuff happened at Hi-O, but it didn't. Being in that place is an indescribable experience. I can't really do it justice with words.

My mom and I played some songs on the jukebox, and I sang my heart out while getting my ass kicked at darts. I am very inconsistent, and it just wasn't my night.

Before departure to move on back to Milwaukee, I needed a picture with my mom and aunt....

Ooops. My ridiculous hat was now blocking my aunt's eye. Re-do!

Much better. Thank goodness for my trademark head-tilt!

Notice that my lei has now become a tutu. Hotness!

Next stop was wing stop. That was funny because all three of us really had to go to the bathroom, and none of us wanted to do so at Hi-O (for good reason), so the first thing we did was hit the bathroom.

The man running the place asked us if we were alright and if we were going to eat there. Haha, as though we would just use the bathroom in a restaurant and then leave? Heinous!

Then we got our wings. They weren't terrible. Apparently, they are Troy Aikman's favorite. I think the quote on the packaging and such there was "These are the best wings I've ever had in my life - Troy Aikman." Ridiculous. And, for the record, they don't even hold a candle to the wings at the Brodeo.

We ate our wings, then decided that we were too tired and not feeling the whole idea of getting dressed up and going to such places as Hi-Hat (where I now work!) and so on, so we just went as we were to Murphy's. Always an experience. We were exhausted, so we had one long island each, played a couple games of photo hunt, and a couple games of darts.

People were commenting annoyingly about my hat (compliments, but given by drunken douchebags. Brutal.), and we were just way too tired, so we called it a night. Home before 1am!

I swear, Raycilla, Wiscompton really just sucks the life right out of you!