Racine - The Hamptons of the Midwest, and the perfect setting for your dream wedding!

I know many of you have been waiting a long time for this one, hopefully not so long that I've forgotten anything. Without further ado....

On June 9th, 2007, I made the voyage from Milwaukee, down to Raycilla, Wiscompton, also known as the Hamptons of the Midwest, for a wedding.

I knew this was going to be a doozy. The bride was a longtime friend of the family. The mother of the bride is a little much to take.... For example, when my mom and I went to the KISS/Aerosmith concert with them, I got so hammered to try to deal with it that I gave everyone I saw high-fives and chestbumps, conned a 12 year old kid to steal a shirt with a Squirrel that had huge testicles on it from the grossest man in the United States, and I left the show completely covered in nacho cheese. That's a whole different story though, perhaps for another time.

You'll also get some info on her when I write the blog about the Bon Jovi concert!

Anyway, back to the wedding.

The service was pretty nice. There were many people I knew there, and I was surprised to see people all dressed up in their nice church clothes. Marv even wore dressier pants, which he said made him look gay. Silly Marv.

One man was exceptionally dressed up, wearing jean shorts and a sleeveless Sturgis shirt. Hot. I hope that people dress like that at my wedding! Anyway, if you've met Marv (who, by the way, is my stepdad, and is completely awesome), you know that the man cannot whisper. At all. In fact, when he talks normal volume, it is pretty much yelling, and when he whispers, it is like a normal speaking voice. He's a pretty loud guy, and his voice carries. It's pretty deep, too, and it fits him... You'll see him in the pictures below.

Moving on....

One of the readers in the wedding was the bride's cousin, Sarah. Sarah has always been a very big girl.... So Marv "whispers" "There's that Sarah. What is she.... 5?..... Tons?"

Keep in mind that Marv doesn't know how to whisper. I should also mention that we were approximately three rows away from the wedding videographer. My fingers are still crossed that that evil comment did not become a permanent part of the wedding memories!

Moments later, Marv is checking out the scene. He points to one of the stained glass windows, and says, "I think that guy is flipping me off."

In unison, my mom and I say, "Marv, that guy is JESUS!"

In Marv's defense, it does kinda appear like Jesus is flipping the bird.... This is sneaky incognito picture number one for the day...

That sums it up for the ceremony. Nothing else incredibly remarkable.

Next, I had to eat some more.... So I had Mom and Marv take me to Tacos El Ray, one of my favorite places to eat Racine food so that I could get a burrito.

Next move is to the Hi-O Headquarters, which would be open for a brief period after the wedding, and then closing, because everyone who would normally be at Hi-O would actually be at the wedding reception. Classy. Clearly, we were at the social gathering of the season. And by "season," I mean "decade."

At Hi-O, we took a family picture... Awww....



Curti was my date to this fine occasion, but he had worked the night before, and needed to sleep a little late so that he could party all night at the wedding.... So the plan was for him to meet us at Hi-O.

To the clientele of Hi-O, I was there alone. Marv looks like quite the pimp up there, doesn't he?

Anyway, there were vulture eyes looking at me like crazy. It was off-putting. Comments were being made, and it was brutality.

One such comment was made by a family friend, Donnie, who said that my mom and I were so hot we were "smokin' like a crack pipe in the ghetto." Nice, Donnie, nice. You'll see more of Donnie below.

Ok, this is totally unrelated, but has anyone noticed that in "Staying Alive," John Travolta actually eats two pieces of pizza at the same time by layering them one on top of the other? Bizarre. Also, I just want to say that John Travolta is ageless. Amazing.

Anyway, in Hi-O, there was a man who was pretty sure that he was a professional photographer. This cheeseball asked to take a picture of us, and we let him.

Another classy member of Hi-O's patronage was talking about how he "spent $30 on this suit." Let me just say that the man was wearing khaki pants and a shortsleeve dress shirt. I don't know how in hell he figures that is a suit, but whatever....

Ok, I might have to change the channel. I can hardly focus with John travolta in his underwear here.... I love that they started the shot of him blowdrying his hair with a closeup of his "super pro" and then moved in on his face.... This is possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

Ok, wedding. Anyway, so my Aunt Laura and Uncle Jeff show up to Hi-O.... You remember Aunt Laura from the Bridal Shower Crashing story, and Cash Moneys and all that, right? Oh, by the way, this was the weddign resulting from that bridal shower.

Thank goodness people still don't dance the way that they did in 1977. Just sayin'.

Ok, wedding. Or rather, Hi-O. Curti called me soon after, the picture-taking, and I directed him over to Hi-O. I went outside to meet him so that he'd know where we were.... Hi-O doesn't necessarily look like a bar... There actually might not even be a sign, other than the words that are written on the garage door next to it, which are oft blocked by vehicles.

Anyway, when I came in with Curti, he literally got boo-ed. People actually booed him because he was my date. And maybe because he was dressed nicely. Who knows? But yeah, nothing like a warm welcome!

Meanwhile, my Uncle Jeff and Donnie are talking and basically saying "That's gay" about everything. Being politically correct is obviously of utmost importance in this crowd.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, my cousin Christine came down and met us. I don't get to see her as often as I would like to, so she ran out to Hi-O to meet up and hang out. Unfortunately, it was just as Hi-O was closing, which was also unfortunate because there was an hour more between the closing of Hi-O and the start of the reception. So, of course, the party did not stop. We dropped off Curti's jeep at my mom's house and then went to a bar nearer the reception. Here's a picture of my cousin Christine and I....





Now this bar was pretty uneventful. There was a lot more "that's gay" being thrown around, but really, that's pretty much it.

So off to the reception we went! Great times were clearly in store.

To the family's credit, it was at one of the nicest places in Racine, to have a wedding reception. Go them! My ex made fun of me a lot about it, though, because I talked about the fountain the foyer of this place, and then it turns out this is actually pretty much a hose in a kiddy pool - not nearly as impressive as I had remembered. Ah well.

We decide that we are going to sit out by the bar, because, well... We have priorities, and being close to the alcohol is a good idea always. Humourously enough, this means that we are in a completely separate room from pretty much everyone at the whole reception. I am pretty sure that my mom and Marv didn't even eat at all - don't want any pesky food ruining their buzzes! Haha...

So it's Curti, my Aunt Laura and Uncle Jeff, Becky (from the bridal shower), and I at the table, as well as some other people that I didn't know.

Somehow in our dinner conversation, Curti and I decided that it would be great if we could have flashlights to shine on people to point out fashion faux pas and absurdities in general. I was pretty sure that we were attending a wedding reception at which it would not have been overly challenging to find two flashlights, so we made a half-assed attempt to find them. That meant I asked my aunt if she had one. She said she usually does, but didn't that day. She did, however, ask one of our tablemates, who did have her flashlight, holstered securely to her belt.

We didn't really go further, though. Like I said, it was a half-assed endeavor. Plus, it just didn't feel right asking people to give up their flashlights to be used as tools to mock them.

Flashlighterella is shown below, at the far right.



Look at those long, glorious locks! Also in the picture, is Curti, who was basically in the picture just to take a picture of the people behind him.... That sexy couple was actually the focus, specifically the man. He was the one in the church with the cut-off sleeves. Hotness!

You know how weddings have cute little gifts? Party favors, if you will? This one was no exception. And let me tell you, these were keepers.

What was the wedding favor you ask? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words.....



Yes, that's right ladies and gentelmen. A can coozie. With the names and date on it. And a heart, of course. Awwwwwww! And yes, my aunt put her wine glass in, to add a touch of class.... That was futile, though, because I don't think that it could've gotten any classier anyway. Haha.

Another prime example of class was Bob Fay. He initially drew attention to himself my removing his false teeth at the dinner table. That was excellent. then we looked down, and there was certainy a sight for sore eyes.... Bobby Fay's footwear.... Sly picture number three is below.






Yep. That's right. He wore slippers to the wedding. Hawt!

He was not the only one with a fashion statement to make. There was a man there wearing Bugle Boy. Yes, that's right, Bugle Boy. Soooo, time for sly picture number 4. Thanks, Mom, for the help on that one! And yes, there is a man wearing a baseball cap in the background. As there should be!





Now, at some point, we noticed that one of Marv's co-workers' wives was pregnant and smoking. And drinking Sharp's. This is where Marv impressed me immensely.

I've always known that Marv was the most honest man ever, and that he doesn't care what other people think, but he really took this to another level. He told his co-worker that he needs to tell his "old lady" (that's biker terminology for "wife") that she needs to quit smoking while she is pregnant. This apparently pissed the co-worker off, most likely not as much as the actual smoking pissed Marv off. Apparently, this pissed off co-worker told someone else about what Marv did, because this someone else came up to Marv to tell him that he thought that it wasn't any of Marv's business what this man's wife did, and that Marv shouldn't have said anything.

Marv's response is priceless and perfect.

"It's none of your fucking business what I said to him."

Oh, perfection. The irony!

Anyway, yeah, Marv was on fire....

Soon later, he looks over and sees his boss' secretary, and says, "Aw man, now I have to go tell my boss's secretary that she can't wear that dress."

And another dress comment from Marv, regarding the girl Sarah from the wedding, was "I slept in tents smaller than that dress at Sturgis." Bru-tality.

Oh, and by the way, if this seems a little disjointed, it is because I wrote everything before this point last night before I went out, and am writing this part the next morning. LL and I popped into Murphy's at about 1:20am, and said hi to Buddha, who was hilarious, added words to the dictuary, and did the most remarkable veloceraptor impression I have ever seen in my life. It was incredible, to say the least.

Anyway, back to the reception account.... Also present, albeit late, was Nancy, who we used to live with my mom and I right after my parents got divorced. She's hilarious, and wearing a hoodie. That's appropriate for a wedding reception, no?




I thought it would be good to take a picture with the bride. She is, afterall, one of my childhood friends. It was, however, very odd to me that she is married now, younger than me, and I don't even have a boyfriend. Oh well. I'll find one someday - haha. But doesn't she look beautiful?




So earlier, I said that I would talk more about Donnie.... Well, Curti and I had given him a nickname. We called him "Wes Onetooth," in the style of Wes Mantooth of Anchorman fame. My mom says that he has "Summer teeth," meaning that some'r there, some aren't.

Let me just say that the ones that are..... aren't pretty. at all.

Anyway, around the time that I had taken the picture with the bride, Donnie decided that he wanted one, too. And being the vulturistic goofball that he is, he decided that he wanted to make an impression on the world by lifting her skirt up. Thank goodness that it was a dress with tons of layers underneath!

So here's that visual treat for you....




Yeah, drink it in. And no, that image has not been photoshopped. That is reality, ladies and gentlemen.


After that, we called it a night pretty shortly. Mom and Marv went home, and Curti and I went to a couple choice Racine watering holes. That was lame (shocking), so we went to White Castle (which sounds amazing right now), and went back to my mom's to re-cap.


It was here that I found out that Marv's bosses apparently were talking about me to Curti when I was elsewhere....


I believe the quote was, "Good luck with that tonight."


THAT? Really? And didn't they catch that I was with my FRIEND Curti? Come on. Vultures.


After many laughs at many people's expense, it was time for bed.


And there you have it! Hopefully, I didn't forget anything.... There might be an edit or two after

Mom and Curti read it.... Hope you enjoyed!

Seriously, who crashes a bridal shower?

I had been craving a cheeseburger for awhile. Not just any cheeseburger, but Kewpee's cheeseburgers. They are the best in the world. Literally. It's science.

My good friends Mara and LL had mentioned that they had never really experienced Racine, my hometown. I couldn't believe it. I figured that they should really experience such a place, and that they should definitely at least leave with a good taste in their mouths.... Well.... I tried.

Mara had a Saturday off, so she came down from Madison to Milwaukee. After getting lost in many of the most absurd of ways, she finally made it to our house, and we made the short trip from the Mil to Raycilla, Wiscompton.

I'd like you to take a moment to check out "Welcome to Wisconsin" by the Raytown Hustlas - www.myspace.com/theraytownhustlas. It's also not a bad idea to catch the documentary "World's Best Prom" which actually is about my prom (www.worldsbestprom.com). I'm in it for about one tenth of a second, haha. Both of these masterpieces give you a good idea about Raytown, if the following story doesn't tell you enough.

Anyway.

So we go to Kewpees, and I get my usual. Two cheeseburgers, fries, and a rootbeer. The other girls order the same thing, but didn't realize that the cheeseburgers are normal-sized, and so they were in over their heads a bit. Oh well, turns out we'd need the good base anyway.

Then we decide to check out one of Racine's best parts - downtown. Main Street shopping, specifically. It was nice. A highlight included a cute new store called "Elegant Pauper" which included many items that had a map of Wisconsin, complete with a star on Racine and the phrase "Racine: The Hamptons of the Midwest," on them. That is so ironic and ridiculous, it's not even funny. Oh wait. It's actually hilarious.

I figured while I was in town, the girls should meet my mom. They'd been dying to anyway, and I thought it would really round out a great Racine experience.

I called my mom, and she was at a bridal shower. Darn.

Called her again later. She was still there.

"Why don't you guys just stop by?" she says.

"We aren't invited. We can't just crash a bridal shower!" says I.

"Sure you can. Here's the address."

So off we were, on for another adventure.

I told LL and Mara - "Why do I have a feeling that we won't even make it back to Milwaukee, and that we'll end up getting hammered at this little party?"

Called it. Well, almost.

So we get to the party, and it's a pretty standard Racine crowd, except for this absurd squirrel, who was in the bird feeder.





The party's theme was a luau. This reminded me of an absurd night spent in Madison during which a very drunk friend of mine went around asking people "Do you like luaus and shit?" and handing out flyers to someone who he didn't even know's party. That night, and that guy, are an entirely different story, however, and it is time to get to this luau.

In the picture below (from left to right), we have Mr. Turkowski, whose house was used for the party. Then next is JoJo, who used to babysit me as a child. In lime green, taking a drink, is Melissa, the bride-to-be. Next is Cheryl, who is pretty close to having the quote of the day for that day. I'll get to that in a second. And finally, we have Becky, who will also require more explanation.



So. Cheryl's quote. I was talking about a bizarre experience I had with a date who showed up to my house wearing mal-fitting clothes (among other bizarrities - yes, I am aware that I most likely made up that word there). Cheryl says, "Oh, his clothes don't fit? And he knows where you live? I'd move. People whose clothes don't fit usually end up being stalkers."

What?

The reason that would be a quote of the day is pretty clear, I think. Hilarious!

And Becky. She's quite the feisty one. I've known her since I was a small child. She's my aunt's best friend, and is more or less (more more than less) hysterical. This day was no exception.

So we get to the party, and immediately get lei'ed, and are handed tropical rubber duckies, as well as festive glasses with floral straws. I fill my glass with a margarita. I mean really, when the choice is between something that has Tequila in it, and something that does not, is it really even a choice? Let's be serious about life for one second. The answer is no.

Mara and LL had some sort of Wap punch. I believe it involved Champagne, which would've been intriguing to me (I love Champagne), if it weren't for that whole Tequila thing, especially since it was right after my trip to Austin (which I still have to blog about.... Waiting for pictures from John to add to the story). Plus, I was driving, so there was a one-drink rule in effect for me!

Here's Mara, caught by surprise on the left, and LL on the right, enjoying the festivities.




And because I'm nice (although not nice enough, apparently, to not post the caught by surprise one), I did a re-do on the picture for Mara's sake. And here it is!




You may be wondering, "How is it that Cheryl didn't win the quote of the day hands down with that absurdity?"

Well, it's because my mom just may have taken the cake.

Because I have no attention span and can't sit still oftentimes, I kept squeezing my rubber ducky, which caused him to squeak.

Kim, the mother of the bride, said "I didn't know that the duckies squeaked."

It was time for my mom to dole out her motherly wisdom. Here's the bomb she dropped....

"Yeah, he squeaks until you fill him up with alcohol and suck his butt!"

Whaaaaat? Really?

Hilarious.

I was later to be admonished for misquoting her as talking about sucking ass. Not yelled at for saying ass, but just for misrepresenting the situation. Obviously.

Here is another shot of the party.... My aunt Laura is the redhead on the left. Next is the daughter of the people whose house the luau was at. Then there's Mom, looking festive indeed.





The luau started to die down, so we decided that it was time to take the part elsewhere, but not before I got invited to the wedding. Did we go to Milwaukee right away as planned? No, we most certainly did not.

I had always wanted to go to a bar on South Memorial Drive called "Cash Money's." Why? Because it is called "Cash Money's" and that is pure comedy, to me.

Why haven't I gone? Because it is on S. Memorial Drive. My mom won't go with me, and she is pretty bad ass, as is my stepdad, who won't go either. But who is the most bad ass of them all? Apparently, Becky is. She said she'd go, and my mom said that she'd go if Becky went, and Auntie Laura's always up for a good time, so let's do it!

But first, it's time to let Trixie, Becky's dog, out. So we go over to her house and let the dog out. In the meantime, Becky takes us to her basement, and offers us anything we want from her bar. "It's just like college," she says, "You're in a musty basement with a bar."

It is at this point that it is clear that Becky did not go to college. Her bar had bottles such as grey goose and Stoli. There was no Ron Diaz, or even Admiral Nelson. There was no Fleishmann's or Buen Amigo. Silly Becky, your liquor is far superior to a basement in most college houses! So I had a Grey Goose Pear and water (it was just ok, nothing I'd get to have at home or anything. Apparently I am not a fan of pear-flavored beverages).

So we move on. Onward and upward? Certainly not.

On the way to Cash Money's, I decide it would be humorous to put on the cowboy hat I obtained during my trip to Texas. It was a gift from the photographer that I worked with whilst there.

Apparently, I was the only person that thought this was funny. No one said anything. I thought it was equivalent to me wearing one of those viking hats with the horns on it, but.... Wrong again. When I asked about it later, I was told it looked cute. This baffles me, but so do a lot of things in life, so I've kinda stopped asking questions at times.

Also, for the record, I am wearing a tuxedo tank top (as you may notice). I'm wearing this because it says, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party." Cool points go to those who get the reference. And, in retrospect, it seems like perfect attire for someone to wear to crash a bridal party luau.

We get to Cash Money's and the door is locked. Brutal. Well, what can we do? We decide to take a picture in front. So Becky takes my camera and takes this picture. Obviously, the sign was the focal point.




Then she moves in a bit closer, so that we are more visible.... My mom is probably saying something hilarious.




Then Becky comes back, and we start talking about how unfortunate it is that there isn't some hooker nearby that we could give a couple bucks to to take a picture with all of us in it, and that we'd chase her down and beat her ass if she tried to steal my camera, when as if from nowhere, a man with very disgusting teeth appeared as if from nowhere.

He was sweeping the sidewalk behind Cash Money's. I have no idea why.

We asked him to take a picture for us, and he did.




What confuses me here is that this man is sweeping the sidewalk, and not shooting for the cover of National Geographic or Vanity Fair. His skills are.... evident?

He informs us that Cash Money's does not open until 7pm. It was almost 6:30. Hell no we are not waiting around to go to Cash Money's. I am sure that I will have another opportunity. The nice man tells us that if we come back, he will take care of us.

I am sure you will, kind sir, I am sure you will.

Next stop? Hi-O Headquarters. This is where I basically grew up. My mom worked here for like 12 years or something.

One special treat that we enjoyed whilst at Hi-O was Broadway Bake's World Famous Pizza. What? You've never heard of it before?

Weird!




See the sign below? My mom made it like.... 20 years ago, or something crazy like that.

Here's LL and Mara, below, with their first Shorties. I did not partake, because I do not like beer. I had one Captain and Diet, and then several waters.

I wish I could say that a whole bunch of crazy stuff happened at Hi-O, but it didn't. Being in that place is an indescribable experience. I can't really do it justice with words.

My mom and I played some songs on the jukebox, and I sang my heart out while getting my ass kicked at darts. I am very inconsistent, and it just wasn't my night.

Before departure to move on back to Milwaukee, I needed a picture with my mom and aunt....

Ooops. My ridiculous hat was now blocking my aunt's eye. Re-do!

Much better. Thank goodness for my trademark head-tilt!

Notice that my lei has now become a tutu. Hotness!

Next stop was wing stop. That was funny because all three of us really had to go to the bathroom, and none of us wanted to do so at Hi-O (for good reason), so the first thing we did was hit the bathroom.

The man running the place asked us if we were alright and if we were going to eat there. Haha, as though we would just use the bathroom in a restaurant and then leave? Heinous!

Then we got our wings. They weren't terrible. Apparently, they are Troy Aikman's favorite. I think the quote on the packaging and such there was "These are the best wings I've ever had in my life - Troy Aikman." Ridiculous. And, for the record, they don't even hold a candle to the wings at the Brodeo.

We ate our wings, then decided that we were too tired and not feeling the whole idea of getting dressed up and going to such places as Hi-Hat (where I now work!) and so on, so we just went as we were to Murphy's. Always an experience. We were exhausted, so we had one long island each, played a couple games of photo hunt, and a couple games of darts.

People were commenting annoyingly about my hat (compliments, but given by drunken douchebags. Brutal.), and we were just way too tired, so we called it a night. Home before 1am!

I swear, Raycilla, Wiscompton really just sucks the life right out of you!