The Raccoon Whisperer

As you know, I am a texter. I send and receive over 10,000 textes (I'll explain the weird pluralization in a minute) each month.

It's funny. I have a problem with not responding to textes. If I get something and read something, I have to respond.

**** Note: I started this post yesterday. This morning, I woke up wearing my skirt and underwear, all my jewelry, and SEVEN BANDAIDS. So last night was a little heinous. From 1 to 10, mild to wild, we were def at an 11. Anyway, here's the story. And it won't be long, because two of the aforementioned bandaids were on the stigmata-like wounds on my palms, which means it hurts a bit to type. That also means that I am not splaining the pluralization right now either. Plus, once I am done, I am going to go pack then to Racine for Kewpees and to visit my grandma, then to Chicago to pick up John from the airport to see him off to Iraq, then off to the badger game tomorrow! Wahoo!

Anyway, people freak out when I don't respond within like five minutes, because I usually do. It's funny. My grandparents freak out and think I am dead, and my friends all think I am mad or depressed or something.

Well, one of the funniest textes I have ever received was from Ous. Actually a lot are. I might have written it in a blog before....

"Homework 2 hrs a day. Practice three hours a day. Eatin Chinese food and drinking a strawberry milkshake while watching a football game. Priceless. For car insuran there is caveman."

That was just out of nowhere. First text of the day from him that way.

His textes are often funny, mostly because of his strange abbreviations and such. Just bizarre.

But I think that I got the funniest series of textes the other night....

From a man, formerly known to me as Jason Kidd..... Yeah, the old dude from the wifebeater bar crawl.

So I woke up from a nap (only stayed up about fifteen minutes and ended up sleeping almost 11 straight hours. Holla!) and had a text from him saying that he got into a fight with a raccoon whilst taking out his garbage and it won. I asked him to elaborate, and got the following three texts. I'm taking the liberty of writing them in English instead of text shorthand, because such things drive me nuts...

Here goes!

"Lifted the lid and it was in there. After screaming, I dumped the bin. It fell out, we had a staredown. Threw rocks at it, still nothin. Gave it my pork chop bones, sat 2 feet from me and ate. Finished the bones and waited. I called it a fucker and went in and got it some bread. I now have a pet named Simba. He finally left the porch. If you would've heard my initial scream, you would've died laughing. I could've sworn I heard it say 'Try somethin, N___.'"

(Everyone knows I can't pull off the N-word.)

How hilarious is that? That thing is so going to come back.

Anyway, due to recent allegations of J Kidd (the real one, haha) groping some chick in a club, as well as other raccoon-related stories, this man now shall be known as the Raccoon Whisperer.

Ok, time to pull my life together and pack!