How many licks?

So I'm procrastinating on correcting papers. I am going to write this blog, then work out (I'm guessing at midnight?) then shower THEN grade some papers. Who thinks I am actually going to grade A paper, much less several, this evening? Hmmm....

Anyway, I want to start out this story with a little anecdote about my grandmother. In the last blog, I mentioned about my mom saying that she said the f-word.

Well, I had been expecting that she was going to tell me that grandma had said it quoting someone else, or involved in some ridiculous story about someone else or something.

Not so.

Apparently, it was just some lame, offensive and non-pc joke!

Evidently, my dear sweet grandma-ma was telling some joke about how "Indians" name their babies by looking at what is going on around them. What I am told, was that she said that names are chosen that way, and that exampls were "Hawk-fly-low" or "Two-Deer-Fucking."

Whaaaaaaaat?!

Anyway, so that was pretty much the shock of my life. Apparently my mom has only heard my grandma use the "f-word" twice in her 47 years of life. I've only heard my mom say the f-word twice, too. Ok, that's not true at all.

Moving on.

So last night I decided to stay in. I've had a rough week and have been in a terrible mood a lot of it, especially the last 36 or so hours. So, I decided the best option would be for me to go to bed early. So I did.

At about 445am, the freaking fire alarm went off. So annoying! Best part, however, is that as I am exiting my apartment into the hallway, this guy walking out of the apartment next to me says, "What is this a fire drill? I feel like I am back in prison!"

Awesome. I'm happy to living next to you, Ex-con.

Moving on again.... (Haha, this blog has no attention span.)

So I decided to cheer myself up, I'd make the drive down to Ray-town and get myself a Kewpee cheeseburger (or two). Well, Kewpee's was closed. This really made my hand cold*. So I thought I'd go to my second choice, which was Rosie's. Nope. Closed. Third choice is The Farm. Also closed. So then I thought I'd try Caesar's. Guess what? That is now a Mexican Restaurant. Sweet. I ended up driving 45 minutes to eat Culver's. How lame is that? My hand was freezing*.

So I ate my Culver's and went to see my Mom and Marv. Whilst there on the porch, we started talking about my roommates, past and present, and how I grateful I am to have D, who is an amazing roommate. This is especially relevant when we consider the girl I lived with as well the first year that I lived with Danielle, who was named Abbey.

She was insane. Literally.

One time the three of us went down to U of I for a weekend to go to the Badger game, and to make a long story short, she decided we had to either leave at three o'clock in the morning or find our own rides back up to Madison. Basically, she didn't like the way Danielle's friends were treating her (read: they weren't giving her enough attention or kissing her ass). This is absurd, because Danielle is one of the nicest girls in the United States and doesn't really associate with douchebags, for the most part (haha).

Haha, anyway, the conversation shifted a bit to Abbey's exboyfriend, Ryan, who we called Tootsie Pop.

This is because ol' boy was about 5'11" and 45 pounds. I am pretty sure that about 25 of these pounds were allocated to this unfortunate-looking man's head.

He was stick thin, and had the biggest melon on record. More or less, he looked like a tootsie pop.

When we start talking about him, my mom says, "Did I tell him that he looked like a tootsie pop?"

I do not even know why she asked such an absurd question.... Of course she did. My mom is even more brutally honest than I am!

But more about Tootsie Pop....

This man was such a joke!

He was the manager of Men's Wearhouse. He actually transferred from the one in Minneapolis to come live nearer to Abbey, who regularly dated several gentlemen simultaneously.

She was so brutal about him, too, because she hated that he was such a pushover. I guess it's easy to push someone over when they weigh 45 pounds and over half of these pounds are cranium.

She didn't like that she could push him around. She lost respect for him as a result, and thus was even more brutal to him than she would've been to a regular person (perhaps someone with an average-sized head?).

Anyway, I have no problem of purveyors of fine menswear, but this dude just reminded me of Ben Affleck's character in Mall Rats. The Casual Male guy. He took himself approximately that seriously. Bru-tality.

The best part, however, was that he participated in COMPETITIVE KARAOKE.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. That is correct. COMPETITIVE KARAOKE.

He sings country songs in karaoke competitions. Hilarious.

So then back to the pushover thing....

Back in college, I wasn't good at sleeping either.

One night, I was up late as usual, when I started hearing weird noises from the living room.

Noises like "Ouch! Ouch! Stop hitting me!"

And weird phone beeps.

And slams.

As it turns out, for some reason, Abbey was beating the shit out of Tootsie Pop with the cordless phone, and she had to take him to the hospital after to see if his nose was broken.

The whole Quad-plex could hear this taking place. Absurd.

So my mom, Marv, and I were reminiscing about these shenanigans, and Marv says

"Perhaps she was trying to get to the creamy center!"

and then my mom says,

"How many licks with a phone does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop?"

Oh hilarious.

So that was my afternoon.

Oh, and by the way, Mom, I looked at the geoducks. Those are some hideous and phallic-looking creatures! And I'll be damned if they don't live for a century and a half!!!

Alright, I should probably get to working out and such....

By the way, Chevy Chase turned 64 and Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee!) turns 68 today, October 8th.

For the record, Dirty Work is one of Chevy Chase's best movies. And the sequel to Crocodile Dundee can whoop the first one's ass.

And, here's a weird ass video. I love it. I watch it all the time!

Try to wrap your mind around that one!