Why can't ghosts have babies?

Because they have hollow weenies!

Ok, that was one of the Halloween textes I got on Halloween.

I suppose I should finally explain the whole bizarre pluralization of "textes."

Actually, maybe not. I just thought of several ways to do such things, and determined that the whole textes thing was one of those "you had to be there" type of deals. I think you'll live just fine without knowing why the plural form of "text" has two syllables. Just a guess.

Anyway, without further ado....

Before I get to the Halloween story, I wanna take a minute or two to talk about my mom's visit to the Mil to go out with us.

She came on the Thursday before Halloween, and I had off school the next day, which was perfect.

She had asked me if it would be ok if she wore jeans out, and I told her of course it would, she just needed to wear a cute shirt and not wear tennis shoes.

Apparently, she discussed this with Marv, who came up with the brilliant idea that my mom should go to a second-hand store and purchase an outfit for the occasion.

So, my mom evidently set out to buy the ugliest shirt ever made, as well as clown shoes.

She struck out on the clown shoes, but I am pretty sure that she hit the jackpot on the ugly shirt.

She got to Milwaukee, and we parked her car in the lot, and she came upstairs, and we hung out and talked. Danielle recounted the story of the night of my knee wounds (update below on that bad boy). Since my mom is not accustomed to our schedule of going out at like midnight, we made a compromise and were going to hit VI Degrees around ten, after going to the sale at Fred and Red Heel (Martini night, holla). My mom tells me she needs to change, and takes a bag into the bathroom. I thought it was kinda weird that she was going into the bathroom to change instead of my bedroom, because my mom is not what anyone would call shy. I just dismissed it to proximity and continued to try to pull my life together and get dressed.

Next thing I know, my mom walks out of the bathroom wearing this getup....

Ugliest shirt ever made?

Check.

Rolled up jeans?

Check.

White heels well after Labor (Lobor) Day?

Check.

White tube socks under said heels?

You got it!

I had to take the picture. Just had to.

Notice Danielle spitting the contents of her mouth into the sink. Or maybe vomming because Mamalicious' outfit is the ugliest thing ever made?

Obviously we had a good laugh at this getup....

Mom said that she asked the lady in the store if the shirt was ugly, and the lady didn't know how to answer because she didn't want to offend my mom if she actually liked the shirt. My mom then clarified that she was looking for ugly, and the store employee said "You found it." Ha.

She didn't stay in this outfit long, because the shirt was made of a fabric that she said felt "creepy." It's true. The fabric did feel creepy. And I have proof if you don't believe me, because my mom gave me the shirt. Lucky me. Perhaps I will raffle it off like we did Humphrey the Humping Dog.

Unfortunately for Mamalicious, we didn't take any more pictures that night, so we have no proof that she doesn't ALWAYS go out wearin a goof ass ensemble. I guess that just means that Mamalicious is going to have to return to the Mil for another night of absurdity!

However, while she was in this shirt, she did take the time to tell me that she holds me responsible for ensuring that should she be unable to dress herself, that she would never be wearing cltohes like the ones she had on, or anything else "doofus."

She told me that if anyone else dresses her in such garb, that I should kick their assses.

And if I do it, for any reason, that I can rest assured that when she dies, she'll haunt my ass.

Oh Mamalicious. Hilarious.

Anyway, mom was very well-received at the usual Thursday haunts, and a great time was had by all. To those of you who were out and showed Mamalicious kindness, thank you. Much appreciated!

And yes, as usual, she made an impression. People (including, but not limited to, the busboy at Ma Fischer's) are still asking about her and commenting on her youthful appearance and attitude. =)

Oh, and here's the picture I took of my knee the next morning, one week after the first images were taken.

Aren't I healing well? I didn't take a picture last Friday morning, but I will tomorrow to update you. You'll be quite impressed methinks.

So Halloween.....

Halloween for me started on Saturday night and ended Tuesday. Yes, I am aware that actual Halloween was Wednesday, and I did quasi dress up for it at school, but I was so sick of it already by Wed afternoon that I was done. Plus, my hand had been cold for a long time, and I didn't feel like going out. I was actually briefly considering a hiatus from going out. Yeah, as I said, my hand was pretty cold.

As you know, I enjoy puns. And, as I would hope you would have given me credit for, I am not the type of girl who goes out dressed as something like a slutty corrections officer or slutty airport security person, or slutty janitor or something. On second thought, a slutty janitor might me so ridiculous it'd be funny. I need lots of keys.....

Anyway, I am not saying that I hate girls like that, I'm just sayin'. Not my thang.

So we decided that on Saturday that we would be party animals. We would dress in party-ish clothes like an animal and sport party hats and noisemakers.

Here I am in my costume with Refugio, my son. Don't we look alike? He's definitely a party animal himself!

Look, he's sayin' hi!

Anyway, Saturday night was when we were fortunate enough to have been invited to Fred and Favio's Eyes Wide Shut party at Tangerine.

But unfortunately for us, due to several things (including, but not limited to talking Drunky McDrunkstein into not driving - success! Go me!) making it difficult for our lives to get pulled together, we got there when it was packed to the point where moving was impossible, and where many of the attendees were quite hammered!

Also unfortunate was the fact that LL had left her wallet at home. We were quite nervous that getting into such a place was going to be an impossibility.

But again, of course there is a fortunately.... Don't you see the pattern?

Fortunately, I was able to text Kevin, who is a big deal and knows people (and has a new appreciation for Anchorman) who was able to get us in.... even without waiting in line! Holla! Love you, Kevin! (and not just because of this, as you know!)

Since it was so crowded, we decided we'd just get one drink, say hi to the hosts and people we know, and then go to North Ave.

This was a good idea in theory, but we had to abort mission before we got to say hi to a lot of people, including Favio.

I don't know what was up with the guys there, but I don't think I have been hit on so frequently and brutally in my life. Just rude. It didn't help that my hand was already cold and that we were on a mission. I just had no patience at all. So we pretty much briefly saw Kevin (sadly, this was pretty much just when he let us in), Fred, Marcellus, and someone else I am forgetting. Fiff.

I was just being a straight-up bitch to any guy I didn't know that tried to talk to me, so we decided it was best to just get the h out of there.

We stopped at Cush and said hi, and then moved on, as it was just super late already.

For the record, no one hit on me there, which was wonderful.

Our final stop was Decibel. Whew. It was already like 130, and I was crabby as a mo-fo, so it was time for a drink. Let me tell you, we pounded drinks like it was our job!

We had Parker (who was on rollerskates and hilarious!) take a picture of us. Aren't we cute little party animals?

We saw a dude from behind, who was clearly white, and clearly wearing a wave cap. Either Danielle or LL guessed that this man was a ninja. I guessed that he was Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Holla! Correct I was! And he took a picture for us. Check him out!

Next, I almost died. When I was a little one was when Cabbage Patch Kids first came out, and they were the most sought-after toy ever. Pretty much like tickle-me-Elmo was a few years ago. So apparently a lot of trouble was gone through to get me Ty Abbey, who was one of the first CPK's. Well, imagine my surprise when I saw Ty Abbey in giant form!!! Here we are, together again at last after all these years!

Moments later, we saw another amazing costume. This white kid had on a red leather jacket, red pants, a Michael Jackson tshirt, and scary makeup and dark hair. He was Michael Jackson from Thriller. It was completely amazing. So much so, that we actually discussed it amongst ourselves!

Moments later, after he had passed us to get to Shawn (who was the evil spiderman) to get a drink, I hear a voice behind me.

Mandie?

I turn and look. It's Michael Jackson. Yes?

Who is it???

BROSEPH!

Amazing costume, Broseph. Didn't even recognize you at first! Here's a picture of us party animals with Broseph.

We made Cute Little Seth, or CL Seth, take the picture. He is a youngster, at 18, and is a "Glassware Liason" (barback) at Decibel. He was a football player for Halloween.

Here's a picture of me with CL Seth!




How cute is he? And how weird is it that he sees me hammered, and I could've been his teacher if he went to my school? He graduated last year. Weird.

Anyway, that pretty much covered it for Saturday night's festivities. We drank a serious amount in a seriously short time. Three doubles and two shots for LL and I. Less for D, who is considerably smaller and who was driving.

Cut to Tuesday. As you know, Decibel is the place to be on Tuesdays (Einstein!). So that is why they had their Halloween party that night.

Danielle had already turned into a pumpkin. It was time already for her to go back to life at the library. I don't think I've seen her since. Just kidding. But I bet that it has been cumulatively less than two hours. Bru-tal!

Anyway, so LL and I had to think of something else to be, just the two of us.

Once again, I am a lover of the pun.

Here we are.

Do you get it?

Read our necklaces.

That's right, Salt N Pepa. I'm Salt, and thus wearing all white, and she is Pepa, and wearing all black.

Heehee.

Of course, shortly after arriving at Decibel, we were greeted with a big smile by Dustin, who was dressed as himself for Halloween. He wanted me to take a picture of him and his friend, so here it is.

Don't they both look all kinds of surprised? I don't know what they are so surprised about. They asked me to take the picture! They should've expected it. Haha.

Soon after this, we said more hellos and went into the Decible side, where it was Mayhem. Many of the people from Saturday were there, wearing often times the same costumes. Good times. But there were also a lot of people there in different costumes.... This included one of the most amazing costumes I have ever seen in my life.

Ok. Aside from the fact that he is clearly a regular-sized person, this is pretty damn true to life. Er, true to the movie. And you can't tell from the picture, but that lollipop had flashing lights inside that looked really phenomenal inside the dark club.

Another thing that you can't tell from the pictures is that he was handing out everlasting gobstoppers! Saweet! I definitely enjoyed that action.

We went back to Deep Bar, since we often wander to and fro, and talked to Buddha for a bit. We asked him to take a picture, since we wanted to have a full-length picture, without the Oompa, of our costumes.

Here's what we got.

Apparently I wasn't clear when I said why I wanted it to be vertical. Haha. However, if you look closely, you can see that I have a curl stuck to my face, in the style of Salt N Pepa in the "Let's Talk About Sex" video. It was a chore to get this to stay, and I ended up using surgical adhesive to do it!

Since our mission of a full-length picture sans Oompa had still not been accomplished, we asked Buddha to try again....

Thanks, Buddha.

By the way, I am the heaviest I've ever been. I know my stomach doesn't look great. Back up off me! It will soon. I promise.

Anyway, I can't really end this story without attempting to describe one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

You see, a couple months ago, Latrell Sprewell began coming in to Decibel on Tuesday nights. He stands in this little corner, and for the most part doesn't really move the whole night. That is, until the Cupid Shuffle comes on. Man, oh man, does he love that song! He knows the dance, and he does it. We always laugh. Always.

Well, Halloween was no exception, but it was exceptional! This is due to the fact that Spree dressed up like Darth Vader, complete with bright green light saber!

Let me tell you this, and please believe me.

There are very few things funnier on this earth to watch than a 37-year-old man who is 6'5" and has absurd hair and an absurd reputation (choking folks, boat repossession, etc) doing the Cupid Shuffle with a light saber in hand. Words seriously cannot describe it.

And finally, on Dunce Day, I'd like to ask you..... Why is it when you get a #1 combination at La Fuente (I went out to eat with my cousin the Thursday after Halloween), they put a random pile of meat in the middle of your plate? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it thoroughly, but still. Kinda weird!