"Pooping to Stay Cool" and the list!

Happy Escape Day!

One of my students is just plain bizarre. Today, she outdid herself.

First, during third hour (I have many of my students twice a day), she randomly says "What if toilets were live hippo heads that could talk?"

I did not even have any idea what to say to her. How absurd?!

Later, during 8th hour, there was an issue with an orange. I had peeled it during sixth hour but didn't have the chance to touch it again until during 8th hour. When I went to eat it, I noticed the whitish yellow stuff on the outside of the orange (yet inside the peel) was crispy and hard. It was so gross! So I shared this information with the class.

One of my students then told me that it was a shame that I would not be able to enjoy the orange's citrusy goodness. Then this bizarre student says "Something will enjoy it."

And then she thought about it for a minute... And she's like "It will probably be vultures."

I could not hold in my laughter AT ALL. Of course, I was thinking of my friends and the fact that we call most male humans "vultures" because they are a predatory mammal that swoops down in search of booty.

Anyway, back to my student. She thinks again for a minute, and then says "Vultures are gross. They poop on their legs instead of sweating."

I was just dying. I couldn't even take it. I am not sure if this statement she made about such vultures is fact or not, but oh man. It was one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. A little late on in the hour, she said, out of nowhere "...and I'm not kidding about vultures pooping on themselves to stay cool."

Then she calmly asked me "What if snowflakes screamed and attacked anyone who stepped on them?"

OK. That's enough about her. Hysterical though, isn't it?

Another funny student story... A kid (7th grader who always tries to flirt) asked me yesterday if I knew that my hair blew like wind when I walked, like a superstar does.

Oh, kids are so humorous!

You know who else is humorous? Parents. That's why this post is dedicated to my mom.

At Christmas, out of nowhere (it seems like almost everything in my life is completely random and out of nowhere*), my mom asked me if something that had happened a long time ago had scarred me for life. I told her that it hadn't, and then she proclaimed that the other night, her and Marv (her husband, my stepdad), had made a list of things that they did when I was a kid that might've scarred me for life so that they could ask me about them the next time I came home.

Without further ado, here's the list:

1. The time they made me talk to the deaf girl
2. The City Slickers thing.

Leave it to my ridiculous mom to write a list with two things on it, and still call it a list. I don't know if list technically needs more than two, but it would seem to me that this would be a jotting of a couple things on a scrap piece of paper more than it would be the crafting of a list, but what the hell do I know? That's not the point anyway. Let's get to the stories.

1. The time they made me talk to the deaf girl. When I was around 8 or so, a girl moved across the street who was deaf. My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to try to befriend her. I agree. This was a good idea. In theory, it is excellent to try to get me to talk to as many different types of people as possible, and to teach me to look past different people's differing abilities.

But, as often is the case, theory and practice do not always go together like Chinese Food and Chocolate Pudding (Thanks, Cal Naughton Jr, for that fine Talladega Nights quote!).

I walked across the street, with a pen and pad of paper in hand, hoping to befriend the sweet little girl from across the street and talk to her via writing notes on the pad I was bringing.

I don't remember if it was something smooth, like "Hi!" or something even smoother like "Do you want to play with me?" or "Do you want to be my friend?" but whatever it was, it made an impact.

Upon reading whatever it was that I had written on the paper, she promptly taught me some sign language that I had long known: she flipped me off.

I swear to you that this is not a fabrication, but real trauma that I suffered! I didn't steal it from a TV show either, though it sounds like something that would happen on one. Apparently, my mom watched all of this transpire from our porch, where she met the issue of not knowing whether to pity her poor daughter, or laugh hysterically. My guess is that she did both.

A follow-up to this story would be that a few months later, we all saw the girl storm out of her house and lock herself in the car, with her mom following her, yelling as she signed. The girl then became a personal hero of mine when she basically gave her mom a big "F U" by covering her eyes with her hands, to stop the intake of the lecture of whatever she did wrong!

Item #2: The City Slickers incident. You all know the movie "City Slickers." Billy Crystal goes on a herding expedition or something like that and gets in touch with his cowboy roots, falls in love with the calf he delivers, names it "Norman," brings it home to his family, and then lays on a million inappropriate sexual innuendoes to his wife that you don't understand until you see the movie again as an adult (it's alarming!).

Anyway, when I first saw this movie, it was during a phase in my life that involved me being a hardcore vegetarian. For about 6 years, I didn't eat any meat because I felt sorry for the animals that were slaughtered to provide it. Anyway, my mom and Marv used to say that Norman was on his way to being a Big Mac. All the time. And I used to cry about it.

I know, I know... That's not as good of a story. And no, it did not scar me for life. I think it's good they did that - I clearly needed a thicker skin anyway!

Since option #2 on the list was kind of a lame story, I am going to throw in a bonus childhood memory for you... One that definitely shaped who I am today.

Late one autumn night after dark, we came home from the bar (I spent a lot of time at bars as a child!), my mom decided that it would be a good idea to do a little terrorism. Now I am obviously not talking suicide bombing, or really any bombing at all... What I am talking about is the fact that there were just too many neat piles of leaves on our street. So we quietly (well, as quietly as we could've while surpressing giggles) scattered the leaves back into our neighbor's yards. Can you imagine waking up to find all the leaves you raked scattered back all over your yard? Would you believe that it was a 30-year old woman's idea? That's my mom for you. How funny and random is she? And do you still wonder why I am the way that I am???? Haha. Brut brut! I am sure there will be more stories in this vein!

You may have noticed the asterix above. Here's why it was there!

*Speaking of my life and randomness, I gotta shout out something that just cracked me up like you wouldn't believe. While celebrating the likes of Bob Eucker's and Marlon Wayans' birthdays, as well as Australia Day and Opposite Day (different sides of midnight), my girl LL and I were out at Murphy's. Absurd things were going on as usual, and at one point, I turned to LL and said

"Is my life serious?"

to which she replied

"No, I am pretty sure your life is a joke."

HA! I'm still laughing about that one.

Alright, time to go to another basketball game. Such is my life these days!

Danny Glover: The Legend

After I posted last night's blog about birthday celebrations and whatnot, I realized that I never even explained where that came from. So that is to follow.

Last night, the game went well. It was a reality check for me, though... I had to sit in the nosebleed seats. I have been spoiled all season with Ousmane's family section seats. They are such a benefit... They are free. They are excellent seats (about center court, rows C-E usually). You can hear Crean yelling at the team. It's just spectacular. Well, since Ousmane's host family came to visit and see him play (can't be mad at that), my glorious date (my grandpa) and I watched the game from outer space. I can't really complain, though. I had a lot of fun spending time with my grandpa, and it was interesting to see the game from that perspective. It's a lot easier to see the plays develop and so forth.

Humorously enough, during the second half, I noticed that there was a sound they were playing when spectacular things happened, such as when Ous dunked, or got exciting rebounds... I was convinced that it was the sound of a vulture call. I could swear it was! I was so curious if there was something that Ous wasn't telling me... So, after the game, I asked him about it over an Eskimo Pie (haha, we celebrated!). He told me at first that he did not know what I was talking about. Then, when I mimicked the sound (which was more or less the epitome of brutality), he informed me that that was actually an eagle cry that I was hearing. Hell0!? Had I forgotten that they were the Marquette Golden Eagles? Perhaps I still thought they were Marquette: The Gold. (See video below that cracks me up, if I can figure out how to post it!!!!)

Anyway, I informed Ous that I consider all winged creatures vultures, including (but not limited to) moths (but excepting angels, I guess), and that was the end of the discussion.

The Eskimo Pie Day celebration was pretty laid back. Danielle, Ous, and I pretty much hung out and talked about random stuff and ate Eskimo Pies. Perfect.

So today is Opposite Day. I am at work, on my lunch break, wearing pajamas. It is banking time day, which means that there are no students here, which is why I can pull off head to toe velour. Sweetness. I decided that instead of working here at school on Opposite Day, that I would write a blog explaining the origin of my celebration of D-List (although I am sure DG is at least B list) birthday celebration.

About this time last year, we got a new teacher at our school. LP. She and I bonded instantly when I told her that I was up in the 2-1-3 (that is my classroom number). We've been very good friends ever since. Hanging out with her is trouble. I don't think I've ever made it through sober... Ok, maybe a few times. But absurdity often ensues.

There's a pic of us all at Buck Bradley's. We can scarcely go out to eat without ordering shots to our table. Anyway, we were all out one night ( a group of about 15 of us) when our friend Kenny (affectionately known as Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, or Ken, or just Noisewater for short) texted to say that his friends had rented out the third floor of a bar (the Y Not 3, for anyone familiar with the Mil and North Ave area) for a private party, and that we had to come.

So, we all went over there and sure enough, the private party was in full effect. There was a dj and everything. So I was getting my dance on for a good half hour or 45 minutes when I suddenly noticed that the eyes of Danny Glover were surrounding me. Everywhere you looked, there were pictures of Danny Glover. I asked Noisewater about it...

Me: Kenny, why are there so many pictures of Danny Glover all over the place?

Kenny (nonchalantly): It's his birthday. This is his birthday party.

Me: These people threw this party just because it is Danny Glover's birthday?

Ken: Yes.

Perfect. I was hooked. I thought it was brilliant. So much so, that I had to take a piece of the action home with me. I did this in two ways.

The first way was physical. I left the party with a 24"x36" headshot of Danny Glover.

He's folded in half, but you get the idea. Can you see the pride and excitement in my eyes and on my face? I'm sure you've seen him in pictures taken in my apartment, where he now resides in a nice wooden frame, in between Tupac and Snoop on the left, and Madonna on the right.

Just after that picture was taken, somewhere in the neighborhood of 330am, I called Danielle to let her know that she could rest easy (maybe that would be less difficult if I didn't drunk dial her in the middle of the night!) now that she is being made aware that I have a 4x5 (I meant feet, and was estimating) picture of Danny Glover to put on our mantle (we do not have a mantle). She thanked me for calling, and I drove back to Madison the next day... Framed him and hung him. When she got home, she was quite shocked to see that I was closer to feet... She thought I said "coaster" and not "poster." But, since Danielle is the lovely girl she is, she accepted Danny with open arms, and now our living room theme is celebrities.

The other thing I took from this experience is beyond physical, and has left me with hours of fun. And that is that I had decided to celebrate ridiculous celebrity birthdays with appropriate shots. We did it all summer. It was glorious. Now it is back. But today's is Alicia Keys. Kinda lame. Tomorrow's a new day, though!

Celebrating Quasi-Obscure Absurdities

It has been a long time since I've blogged. I've missed it. I've decided to turn over a new leaf and rekindle and old activity that I enjoyed greatly this summer…

The new leaf is the celebration of bizarre American holidays. Today, January 24th, is National Eskimo Pie Patent Day. After tonight's game, Ous is going to come over and he, Danielle, and I are going to eat Eskimo Pies. Seems appropriate and delicious. I am pretty pumped. I am going to try to make up for the fact that I didn't start this one day sooner, which would have afforded me the luxury of celebrating both "National Handwriting Day" and "National Measure Your Foot Day," all on my sweet grandmother's 70 th birthday. I guess I kinda celebrated the foot measurement day about a month ago. I was curious about whether or not the thing that people say is true, that your foot is the same length as your arm from your elbow to your wrist. Ous has really long arms, and his feet aren't that big (well, compared to Shaq), so I thought he'd be an exception. Turns out, no. In a strange turn of events involving holding his size 16 shoe up to his forearm, we learned that even if you have a wingspan of 7 feet and 3 inches, the rule is still in full effect.

The old activity that I am going to bring back starting tonight? That would be celebrating celebrity birthdays, particularly obscure ones. Today's celeb's are Neil Diamond and John Belushi. I can scarcely think of a better pair. Well, there were some this summer, like Martha Stewart and James Hetfield… I think Hulk Hogan's birthday was the most brutal, as far as getting hammered is concerned, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, for today's celebration, I'm thinking that it might be appropriate to sing a little Sweet Caroline and perhaps watch Animal House… Or maybe we'll throw in Saving Silverman and eat a Cheezeborger. There are so many phenomenal options!

Alright… Before a whole month passes by without me blogging this, I need to share a little story. Let's take a time trip back to December 28th, 2006. The place: Can's. Can's is in my top five favorite bars in Milwaukee, of what I have experienced so far. Great music, ample space, interesting mix of patrons. Known for its unusual service of beer in a can (hence the name). The reason for the trip??? Efren Ramirez was DJing 80s music all night. Plus, they had $2 or $3 martini's. Who is Efren Ramirez? You probably know him as Pedro from the amazing movie Napoleon Dynamite. What you probably don't know is that he has a twin brother… But we'll get back to him momentarily.

The night started out with Danielle and I finding a superb parking spot just across the street, right by good ol' Vitucci's. Jackpot! We then went in, and had a few issues with people walking around the bar as though they are mute linebackers – slamming into people and not apologizing or saying excuse me or anything. As a semi-small individual, this drives me nuts! But once I had a drink in my hand (ok, I'll be honest… once I had my 2nd drink in my hand), I was no longer too upset. Funny how that works, no?

The next thing after getting drinks was to secure a good spot with a line of sight for me to Efren. I'm sorry to say that it is not usually a priority in crowded situations to get a good line of sight for Danielle, because that is generally a lost cause. Let's be honest. She's 4'11". She is used to not seeing much. Or maybe she sees a whole lot of interesting things that we miss? Who knows. Anyway, I made it my goal initially to take a picture of Mr. Ramirez so that he was looking our direction, and so that his image was also simultaneously on the flat screens. Another charming thing about Cans is that they always have a ridiculous movie on their tv's. I think the time before last I was there, I enjoyed Top Gun while listening to Run DMC and drinking a vanilla vodka and sprite (yum!). What more can you ask for?

Well, I got a couple good shots, as you can see!
Then Efren introduced us (as a crowd) to his twin brother, Carlos. Carlos (whose hat I covet) eventually made his way over to Danielle and I. He really liked Danielle. We didn't exactly capture it in a photo, but he definitely kissed both of us (on the cheek, of course. We're ladies!)



Throughout the night, Efren was hysterical. He was thanking the crowd for voting for him. He was quoting the movie (particularly the part where Napoleon asks if the chickens have large talons...) and he has an impressive Napoleon impression! (impressive impression? Ha. Absurd!).

Then Nicole (my beloved friend who can take credit for my hair!) and her boss and friend Carrie arrived. That is where it got absurd. We had been talking to this douchebag who kinda latched on to me and actually pissed me off. He implied that I was hammered, which is why I thought that Pedro's twin was Pedro's twin. Ass clown. Look at them! Plus, he was lame. The only things he had to say were lame. But apparently, it was Danielle who really got the short end of the stick (ha! I am cracking myself up!). The guy, who was a friend of the guy who was trying to talk to me, that was talking to her (who was, I must mention, wearing a tie. To Can's. Brut brut!) was apparently one hundred times more lame, and was very disappointed when she declined his invitation to a wine tasting party. Anyway, Nicole and Carrie kinda rescued us, but only a little. Shots were bought. It was the Tequila that took me over the edge, for sure.
As we always do, Nicole, Danielle and I (and in this case, Carrie too!), made a new friend. No, he had neither a grill nor a bike chain for a necklace. What did this man have that made him special you ask? Moves like I wouldn't believe. He could dance like nobody's business. AND, to make it all the better, he was sporting a headband/bandana thing in the style of karate kid. My favorite of his moves was when he lifted his leg off the ground with his arms, and proceeded to play air guitar on it. And if I am not mistaken, he also picked both Nicole and I off the ground in his antics. We naturally had to take a picture with this stunner!

We capped off the night parting ways with Nicole and Carrie. Nicole was hammered. She ran into a friend from childhood, gave him a huge hug, was very excited to see him and exclaimed in happiness… Then said "How do I know you again?" Too funny.

Then, after bidding Nicole and Carrie adieu, Danielle and I started our short walk across the street. On the way, a couple men of Hispanic origin called to us. I thought they were friends with Carlos (whose hat I was trying to obtain), and so I turned around and talked to them. They asked for my number, and I denied (who is proud of me? I have been so good lately about this!) him, but took his number. When he gave it to me, I asked his name, and then let out another joke in poor taste that was only appreciated by Danielle. He told me his name was Mike, and as I was entering "Mike from aosigfhor" into my phone (that is a rough estimation of what it actually said), I said "yes, that is what I would've guessed." He had a very clear accent. And I am not racist, or trying to promote stereotypes… At least Danielle thought it was funny. The guys didn't even catch it! Silly boys and their inability to focus!

Anyway, end of story. We went home, whilst I sent a bunch of absurd text messages (and one really long facebook message) to poor Ous, who always seems to be the target for such communications. I don't know why he puts up with me!

Stay tuned for stories of a going away party (which, coincidentally includes another story of me obtaining a Mexican man's number), and a holiday white elephant party, and maybe even pictures of tonight's Eskimo pie celebration!

Who let the dogs out?

Here's another oldie but goody from my myspace blog. There's an update at the end, after the **'s.

Disclaimer: This is one of those nights where two glasses of wine (and no, Jamie, not the glasses from the night of the ACF show that are gallons large, but normal-sized glasses!) have made me squiffy (and not just ready to sleep as planned), so excuse any side effects of non-entire-sobriety. Wait, what?

Oh, and also, I want to use this public forum to thank my friends for being my friends and being amazing people. Madisonians - some of you are making me feel so missed, it's not even funny. Like, according to y'all, how is Madison even still functioning? And Milwaukeeans... I haven't seen most of you. Yet. Tomorrow we're tailgating, though... I have no intention of going to the game... But I have to say that in the last couple days, laughing with Lers at the most absurd things have been exactly what the doctor ordered... SO that too. And D... We've both been crabby and stressed and on emotional roller coasters.. But when we're pulled together (such as when our apt reached new heights), it's the best.

More or less, I love you all!

Alright, this story is over a week old, so I know that half the people that actually read my blog have heard it in person, which I guarantee is better than reading the written word... But hey, some of you just don't talk to me in person or on the phone enough. I guess this is your lesson!
So yeah...

So shortly (not a pun making fun of D's height) after we moved in, we didn't really have a place to eat, or food to eat. So Danielle and I went to Wendy's and brought food to one of the nice common tables overlooking the lobby. We are sitting and quietly enjoying our meal and the atmosphere of our fancy ass living quarters, when two people are at the elevators and yell to us "Are y'all packer fans?"

I explain that Danielle is a Bear fan, that I don't care about NFL football, and then say that my dad is a Packer fan.

Then the lady (there is a lady and man in this story) says "well, let's show them this, they will think it is cute." We meet about halfway between the table D and I were eating at and the elevator, and she shows me this dog that is wearing a Packer jersey. If you squeeze it's hand, it sings "Who Let the Dogs Out?". Could this be any cooler? The answer, as it turns out, is yes.
They don't just have one electronic stuffed dog with them, but two. The second dog trumps the first like you wouldn't believe. It is Humphrey the Humping Dog. A chihuahua that humps whatever you hook him too. It's so creepy. It moans and climaxes and shit.

Anyway, so these people show us the two dogs and the awesome things that they do (i.e., singing "Who let the dogs out" and humping things), and they say... "We will give them to you for $10. We need gas."

Well, I think that this story alone is worth ten damn dollars, so I fork it over. They tell me that my dad will love the "who let the dogs out" dog. I just want to tell people that I was solicited to buy battery-operated pets in my goddamn apartment, so I don't even care. Plus, I have needed gas money before, so I kinda understand. And, let's not forget that I am a freaking sucker. Just sayin'!

Anyway, so that was that. For the low low price of $10, Danielle's and my family in the 213 has nearly doubled. However, our lease only allows two cats, and no dogs, so we have to do away with such pets.

Worry not. The "Who let the dogs out" Green Bay Packers dog is going to DB, who helped us move. He doesn't even know what he is in for!

Again, I say worry not. If you want Humphrey the Humping Chihuahua (and who wouldn't), all you have to do is visit our apartment. Every visitor is gonna fill out a damn raffle thing, and at some pre-determined (Danielle and I need to do the pre-determining, and fast, because peeps is comin' tomorrow) point, we will draw a name of who is gonna take Humphrey home. The more times you visit, the more entries you get. No, we are not desparate for guests... We just love fun and prizes, and we think Humphrey is a good one.

Oh, and if you wanted an update... I've run into the lady who sold me the dog several times, and nearly every time, she asks me if the people I bought them for liked them.

Also, the dog situation helped in our favor (already worth more than $10!)... Those of you who know me, know that in the summer time, I wear some pretty short shorts. When I am just wandering my apartment, this doesn't even occur to me. Well, as it turns out, I was wearing some pretty short shorts the other day when D and I went to the cyber lounge, and we encountered a man with braids, the ends of which were in curlers. He was speaking volumes about my short "Dookie shorts" and talking about what he looks like in dookie shorts, and was basically checking me out as though I was a statue or something unable to think or realize that he was being such a vulture. Anyway, the elevator opens, and my BFF was like "Hey, leave those girls alone, they're my friends! They bought the dogs."

So yes. For the low low price of ten dollars I get the following....
1. A gift to give to Bolin, who helped us move.
2. A hilarious story to tell.
3. Protection from vultures in curlers that live in my apartment
4. New friendship
5. The chance to offer a prize to visitors
6. A gift that just seems to keep on giving.
Can you think of a better way to spend $10?

Well, I had a couple glasses of wine earlier, while framing prints, so I think I am going to go to bed. I hope that I was able to impart this story in an amply humorous way... I guess I will see how the comments roll! It might be a "you had to be there" type of thing... But perhaps the pictures below will help!

And P.S. I am pretty sure that not ALL of my blogs will contain some sort of mushy shout out. I just need to adjust, you dig?

P.P.S. Pharrell is on MTV right now, and I still have a crush on him. He's still in my top five. Swoop swoop! Brut Brut! (Yes, Lers, strong U).

*************

Update: LL won Humphrey. It was glorious. Check out the pics!

Here's us presenting Humphrey to LL....


Here's LL holding Humphrey over her head victoriously.

And here she is, proudly displaying Humphrey's capabilities.