Langerhans Pancreas Cup, Adventures with the Buddha, and Mamalicious Goes Bald!

Yes, yes, I know. I am fully aware that I only blogged once in March. Please accept my deepest apologies. Mom, I think you've survived, and I think we know who is to blame for my lack of bloggification! Haha. Too much fun, not enough downtime to document it.

Anyway, after much waiting, here's another one. Kinda random, but this should not surprise you anymore.

So a few weeks ago, Mamalicious and I were at Value Village in Raycilla, Wiscompton, when we came across one of the most ridiculous things we'd ever seen, which is quite the accomplisment, because between the two of us, we've seen some pretty ridiculous ass shit.

I'm not even going to try to describe this thing. Here's the picture.




So what we're looking at is a bright yellow vessel with arms, legs, and a face. He's kinda bumpy and weird-looking. I'm fairly certain that when Mamalicious spotted him, her first words were, "What the hell?"

We could not for the life of us figure out what this thing was supposed to be, other than that it was a cup. This was, of course, until we turned this fine thang up-side down and read the bottom.





That's right, mofos, it says "Pancreas."

Obviously.

Why wouldn't it?

This definitely inspired us, and we purchased it. Who could pass such a thing up, especially on half price day? What really begs the question for me is, "Who could donate such a thing? (or buy it in the first place? Or manufacture it? Ok, there are just too many questions!)

Anyway, we took it home, and as we discussed it, we kept calling it the "Pancreas Cup." We decided that that definitely sounded like some kind of award... You know, like the Stanley Cup or World Cup or whatever.

We also decided that neither of us really knew what in hell our lovely pancreas does in our body, so we went home and hit up google, where we came across this ridiculous website.

There are so many glorious things about that website, that I almost don't know where to start, but for those of you who aren't all that big of lovers of reading (what in hell are you doing reading my long ass blog then?), we'll just start with the obvious amazing graphics.

After the first obvious and necessary diagram of the pancreas, we have the Cuervo bottle with the big red x going through it. NO!!!! NO CUERVO!!!!!

Then there are a couple gross pictures, and some medical staff clip art (which includes, but is not limited to a man sprinting whilst pushing a patient in a hospital bed), and then my favorite comes....

Yeah, the repeated shot-pouring. Hilarious!

Obviously, the pancreas does something with alcohol, or is negatively affected by it. Or maybe it's just moderately-priced Tequila that is the nemesis of the pancreas?

But for those of you who did read this website to enlighten yourselves about our wonderful pancreases (pancrii?), you may have noticed that 5-90% of the cases of pancritis in the US are attributed to alcoholism.

FIVE to NINETY percent?!?!

Thanks for narrowing it down for us, jackasses!

Oh, and I am sure that you readers (or pancreas afficionados) noted that "Langerhans" is some kind of cell that is affiliated with the pancreas!

So as usual, my mom and I are laughing so hard we are crying, and woke Marv up from his nap.

We decided that the pancreas cup is going to be an award for people who do absurd things whilst drinking, and set out to craft a certificate.

After much deliberation, this is what the certificate says:

Congratulations! You are a recipient of the Langerhans Pancreas Cup! You have earned this honor by challenging your pancreas to an Olympic level of metabolizing alcoholic beverages and living to tell tales of absurdity! As a Langerhans Pancreas Cup winner, your responsibility is to pass this award on to another individual who has earned it by achieving similar feats as you have in the areas of beveraging and ridiculousness, and you only have thirty days to do so! It is also your responsibility to ensure that the tales of absurdity are passed on to Sir Langerhans Pancreas by emailing whatever tales earned you the cup to PancreasCup@gmail.com. Enjoy your award, and remember to always drink irresponsibly with a responsible person.

We also included an interesting (and incredibly phallic) image of a real pancreas on the certificate. And yes, we did set up a gmail account for the cup, as well as a myspace .

Here's a picture of Mamalicious and I with the cup.




And yes, every time a new recipient is selected and sends the story, the blog will be posted on here as well as on the cup's myspace. =)

So. Who deserved the inaugural award?

Paul! The Asian drunken mohawk elephant who does tricks while defending the homeless. Yeah, his nickname grows almost daily because of the ridiculousness his life is. He actually might rival me, and together, it only multiplies.

We're talking about a guy who got punched two Mondays in a row for no good reason. A guy who got drunk in a bar and got a mohawk. A guy who sends texts that say things like, "I am too much to drink."

He and Mamalicious are friends on MySpace, and he often sends her tales of whatever ridiculous business he did the night before.

Here is what he sent her that made us decide that he deserved the first award:

"Ok so now I am home and just about to take a nap. I figured I could not rest until I told you the entire story.

Well the evening began with myself and my friend Demetri at Kenadee's. We knew the bartender, so our beverages were over-poured by a substantial amount. I get there and Demetri is with one of his co-workers. It so happens this co-worker of his wanted to hang out with us all night. I think her name isHallie.

Anyway, a bunch of beverages later, more friends arrive. Rachel and Maj from the club I work at show up and so begin the shots. This all before 10:30pm. I did receive a few texts from Mandie regarding her state of inebriation. Well, tradition usually has it that we start at Kenadees and proceed to Centanni, this really nice piano bar where a couple of my friends work at.

Before that could happen, we had to pick up a girl that Demetri likes from another bar. While I was in the process of "drunken ninja," Demetri told me to get rid of Hallie so we could go pick up Barbie. Yes, her name is Barbie. I refused. So we began a text battle from 2 feet away. I sat with Rachel and Maj and leftDemetri with Hallie to deal with. Here is a synopsis of the text battle:

Demetri: how do i get rid of her?
Paul: Punch her in the face.
Demetri: She wants to go with us.
Paul: She should, you need the ass.
Demetri: I dont want her to come.
Paul: Lets just leave and see if she notices.
Demetri: I cant do that I work with her.
Paul: Punch her in the neck.
Demetri: I hate you.

It could have gone other ways, but that is what I remember. Anyway, so he somehow got her to leave and we were ready to go. We arrive at this bar where we are supposed to pick up Barbie. She is fall down drunk. So, Demetri says to me, "Sorry to do this to you dude, but we have to take her home."

I said "That's fine, we can drop her off at the condo and go back out."

Demetri then told me that he was going to stay with her. I became very angry at this point, because mybuddy just ditched me for a drunk girl. So in retaliation, I stole his car keys and took off in his Cadillac to go meet up with our friends at Centanni. No less than a minute after I arrive I already have a shot of Grand Marnier waiting for me. Well, we all know how this story goes, one shot turns into two andtwo turns into 15.

So I get a text from Maj askingwhere I was and I responded accordingly. She asked me to meet them at another bar, and I said sure. I meet upwith Maj and their friends and no more than 30 seconds later I was gone. I had no idea what I was doing there and realized I had to return the stolen vehicle. I figured 2am would be a good time.

I get back to the condo and used my cell phone as a flashlight to guide my way through the house. Why I did not turn on the lights is beyond me at this point. I find Demetri sleeping peacefully in his bed and I throw the keys at him as hard as I could at his chest. That got his attention and I proceeded to tell him thathe needed to take me to my car. He agreed and we were in the garage where his car was and he decided to pee on a snowbank outside next to the garage. I thought itwould be funny to push him into the snowbank as he was urinating. Turns out he is a lot heavier than I am.

Well, then I thought he was thristy so I grabbed some gatorade from the garage and threw them at him. He had trouble catching them since he was still peeing. Afterthat I decided I needed to chill out and sober beforeI made my way home. So I had some water and then made it home safely later that morning."

Yeah, he typed all that out in a MySpace message and sent it to my mom. Thanks, mom, for sending it to me! Who thinks Paul should start blogging?! I do, I do!

Anyway, here's Paul with his award...



Doesn't he look so proud? He should be! Now he just has to find a worthy second recipient! I can't wait to see where this thing goes....

Someone who has a good chance of receiving it is Buddha. Met him out randomly on a Sunday night, where we preceeded to make "Brutalities I'm hammered?" a reality.

We were at Vitucci's and a group of them were playing that hunting game. No one was as intense as Buddha, who "likes to kill things."

Check out his stance!



Oh Buddha, I love and heart thee.

Anyway, I think my favorite quote of the night from Buddha was when he said, "I don't really ever lie, unless it is something really bad, like when I called my mom from that jail in Mexico..."

Fiff. Obviously!

Anyway, as we were leaving, we encountered a man who had quotes who would likely top Buddha's. He was a war veteran that I had encountered when we were walking in. He noticed my buttons on my jacket for my breast cancer 3-day walk, and asked me about them.

He then told me that his son, who was quite embarrassed and sitting right next to him, had undergone a heart transplant recently. We talked a bit more, about tame things, and then I went back by our group of friends in the back.

I had not, however, seen the last of this man.

As we were leaving, Buddha was closing his tab, and I went to talk to him so we could walk across the street together and go back to Decibel. Buddha was standing next to this man, so I stood between them.

One thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we are talking about Buddha's ass, which is, for the record, the firmest ass ever. It feels like marble, which is exactly what I told this old man. I encouraged him to grab Buddha's ass, which is something that I do to pretty much everyone who meets Buddha, as it really is a thing of wonder.

Maybe it's from his intense shooting stance? Haha.

Anyway, I thought for sure this guy would be game to grab Buddha's ass, but instead, he took the opportunity to grab mine.

Whaaaaaat???

His son was very intensely embarrassed. He just explained that when presented with choices on whose ass to grab, he'd rather grab mine. So he did. Again.

I was in such shock (I don't know why anything shocks me anymore) that I was pretty much laughing so hard that I was crying and couldn't speak. The guy then said something about how he, Buddha, and I could have a threesome, but that he would hit Buddha over the head.

Yikes! Umm, no thank you?

Then we somehow got back to talking about Buddha's ass, and the old dude finally grabbed it. He was quite impressed, but decided he needed to compare it to mine. Really, dude? Come on!

He said his hand was forever frozen in the shape of my ass, and said something to Buddha about how most girls' asses are "too rotten to fuck" so you have to eat them, or something. He then said something about how he has false teeth, and he can just take them out, and he has like a three-inch tongue or something absurd like that. Says the ladies love it.

Again, I say, "no, thank you!"

Time to go! We bid this man and his very embarrassed son adieu, and went on for more adventures at Decibel's "alternative lifestyles night," where Buddha and I made a few new friends and a pact to get married if we're still single at age 32.

And so began my Spring break....

Tuesday rolled around, and it was time for my mom and I to do some hanging out. The plan was to go to Knuepple (pronounced ka-nipple) and get her a temporary fake tata to hold her over until she has reconstructive surgery, go to lunch at Kewpee's with my grandparents, then go to get her head shaved.

Well, the whole tata plan never came to fruition, as apparently (app a rent ly!), you need to have an appointment, and it is a two-hour process. I guess she's going this Thursday. We'll see how that goes!

So, we had a ton of time. Went to Kewpee's, which was glorious as always. I want that right now, actually!

Decided to use our extra time to go and perhaps find Mamalicious some wigs. In a strange turn of events, the wig store she knew of was closed for Spring Break.

So I texted google (you know I love doing that), and found that there were a few more.

They were either weird (think a man coming to the door in the worst toupe you've ever seen, at a store that makes CUSTOM wigs and also is a gift shop that sells Christmas crap in March), or non-existent. Damn.

So we kinda just drove around randomly. I felt bad, because I was so hung over from the night before, when a ton of the Decibel employees and regulars went to see Nate at Jackalope Lounj and then off to Rain for Paul to get his Monday punch in the head. Bru-tality.

Anyway, my hangover made it difficult for me to stay awake, so my mom was kinda stuck making conversation with my grandparents much of the time.

This was a little interesting, though, as sometimes my grandma says some pretty mind-blowing things. For example, when we were driving past a bridal store in Raycilla, I spotted a NEON lime green (like the intensity and brightness of a tennis ball, but greener) WEDDING DRESS in the window, and I made a comment about how seeing that dress made me want to find a man and get married right away.

Grandma said, "You don't have to get married to be on drugs, you can just come by me."

Right on.

Wait, what?

Love her. I see where we're headed, Mamalicious! Haha.

Anyway, we finally got to the hair salon, and shaved Mom's head.

VIDEO!

Warning, the video is like twelve minutes long, and really not that incredibly excited. I personally hate watching it, because I was doing the filming, and I am the most easily-heard voice and giggle on the video. I hate listening to myself. I hope I don't sound that lame in real life! (Don't tell me if I do.)

Plus, it's not as funny as you might think to watch your mom's head get shaved.

But hey, here's the video!

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=4741383372673306380&hl=en" flashvars="">


And, of course, there are pictures....

In the middle of the thing, she had a mohawk, which I decided was a "momhawk," so I had to take a picture for Paul.



The momhawk didn't last long.

Soon, she was totally bald, and honestly, flyer than ever. Check it out.




Isn't she gorgeous?

Dustin, who made the dictuary (one of many times!) for saying, "Balds have more fun!" was ready right away to welcome Mamalicious into the Bald is Beautiful club.

Mom was ready to go up to Cush and stand between the Jenkins twins and be the middle part of an oreo cookie of baldness. The Jenkins triplets? Haha, hilarious.

Seriously, though, I think she looks great. Her head is shaped so well for it! I would worry I would look like a conehead or something, but I think she looks amazing.

She decided that she'd rock a blue wig when we left, and here's what she looked like in that....

Cute, right?

And here she is with my grandma and I . Three generations!

Glorious.

Anyway, before I close out this long (as usual) and random (also pretty customary) blog, I will leave you with another video.

It is my public service announcement, and it is all factual, I assure you.