Racine - The Hamptons of the Midwest, and the perfect setting for your dream wedding!

I know many of you have been waiting a long time for this one, hopefully not so long that I've forgotten anything. Without further ado....

On June 9th, 2007, I made the voyage from Milwaukee, down to Raycilla, Wiscompton, also known as the Hamptons of the Midwest, for a wedding.

I knew this was going to be a doozy. The bride was a longtime friend of the family. The mother of the bride is a little much to take.... For example, when my mom and I went to the KISS/Aerosmith concert with them, I got so hammered to try to deal with it that I gave everyone I saw high-fives and chestbumps, conned a 12 year old kid to steal a shirt with a Squirrel that had huge testicles on it from the grossest man in the United States, and I left the show completely covered in nacho cheese. That's a whole different story though, perhaps for another time.

You'll also get some info on her when I write the blog about the Bon Jovi concert!

Anyway, back to the wedding.

The service was pretty nice. There were many people I knew there, and I was surprised to see people all dressed up in their nice church clothes. Marv even wore dressier pants, which he said made him look gay. Silly Marv.

One man was exceptionally dressed up, wearing jean shorts and a sleeveless Sturgis shirt. Hot. I hope that people dress like that at my wedding! Anyway, if you've met Marv (who, by the way, is my stepdad, and is completely awesome), you know that the man cannot whisper. At all. In fact, when he talks normal volume, it is pretty much yelling, and when he whispers, it is like a normal speaking voice. He's a pretty loud guy, and his voice carries. It's pretty deep, too, and it fits him... You'll see him in the pictures below.

Moving on....

One of the readers in the wedding was the bride's cousin, Sarah. Sarah has always been a very big girl.... So Marv "whispers" "There's that Sarah. What is she.... 5?..... Tons?"

Keep in mind that Marv doesn't know how to whisper. I should also mention that we were approximately three rows away from the wedding videographer. My fingers are still crossed that that evil comment did not become a permanent part of the wedding memories!

Moments later, Marv is checking out the scene. He points to one of the stained glass windows, and says, "I think that guy is flipping me off."

In unison, my mom and I say, "Marv, that guy is JESUS!"

In Marv's defense, it does kinda appear like Jesus is flipping the bird.... This is sneaky incognito picture number one for the day...

That sums it up for the ceremony. Nothing else incredibly remarkable.

Next, I had to eat some more.... So I had Mom and Marv take me to Tacos El Ray, one of my favorite places to eat Racine food so that I could get a burrito.

Next move is to the Hi-O Headquarters, which would be open for a brief period after the wedding, and then closing, because everyone who would normally be at Hi-O would actually be at the wedding reception. Classy. Clearly, we were at the social gathering of the season. And by "season," I mean "decade."

At Hi-O, we took a family picture... Awww....



Curti was my date to this fine occasion, but he had worked the night before, and needed to sleep a little late so that he could party all night at the wedding.... So the plan was for him to meet us at Hi-O.

To the clientele of Hi-O, I was there alone. Marv looks like quite the pimp up there, doesn't he?

Anyway, there were vulture eyes looking at me like crazy. It was off-putting. Comments were being made, and it was brutality.

One such comment was made by a family friend, Donnie, who said that my mom and I were so hot we were "smokin' like a crack pipe in the ghetto." Nice, Donnie, nice. You'll see more of Donnie below.

Ok, this is totally unrelated, but has anyone noticed that in "Staying Alive," John Travolta actually eats two pieces of pizza at the same time by layering them one on top of the other? Bizarre. Also, I just want to say that John Travolta is ageless. Amazing.

Anyway, in Hi-O, there was a man who was pretty sure that he was a professional photographer. This cheeseball asked to take a picture of us, and we let him.

Another classy member of Hi-O's patronage was talking about how he "spent $30 on this suit." Let me just say that the man was wearing khaki pants and a shortsleeve dress shirt. I don't know how in hell he figures that is a suit, but whatever....

Ok, I might have to change the channel. I can hardly focus with John travolta in his underwear here.... I love that they started the shot of him blowdrying his hair with a closeup of his "super pro" and then moved in on his face.... This is possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

Ok, wedding. Anyway, so my Aunt Laura and Uncle Jeff show up to Hi-O.... You remember Aunt Laura from the Bridal Shower Crashing story, and Cash Moneys and all that, right? Oh, by the way, this was the weddign resulting from that bridal shower.

Thank goodness people still don't dance the way that they did in 1977. Just sayin'.

Ok, wedding. Or rather, Hi-O. Curti called me soon after, the picture-taking, and I directed him over to Hi-O. I went outside to meet him so that he'd know where we were.... Hi-O doesn't necessarily look like a bar... There actually might not even be a sign, other than the words that are written on the garage door next to it, which are oft blocked by vehicles.

Anyway, when I came in with Curti, he literally got boo-ed. People actually booed him because he was my date. And maybe because he was dressed nicely. Who knows? But yeah, nothing like a warm welcome!

Meanwhile, my Uncle Jeff and Donnie are talking and basically saying "That's gay" about everything. Being politically correct is obviously of utmost importance in this crowd.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, my cousin Christine came down and met us. I don't get to see her as often as I would like to, so she ran out to Hi-O to meet up and hang out. Unfortunately, it was just as Hi-O was closing, which was also unfortunate because there was an hour more between the closing of Hi-O and the start of the reception. So, of course, the party did not stop. We dropped off Curti's jeep at my mom's house and then went to a bar nearer the reception. Here's a picture of my cousin Christine and I....





Now this bar was pretty uneventful. There was a lot more "that's gay" being thrown around, but really, that's pretty much it.

So off to the reception we went! Great times were clearly in store.

To the family's credit, it was at one of the nicest places in Racine, to have a wedding reception. Go them! My ex made fun of me a lot about it, though, because I talked about the fountain the foyer of this place, and then it turns out this is actually pretty much a hose in a kiddy pool - not nearly as impressive as I had remembered. Ah well.

We decide that we are going to sit out by the bar, because, well... We have priorities, and being close to the alcohol is a good idea always. Humourously enough, this means that we are in a completely separate room from pretty much everyone at the whole reception. I am pretty sure that my mom and Marv didn't even eat at all - don't want any pesky food ruining their buzzes! Haha...

So it's Curti, my Aunt Laura and Uncle Jeff, Becky (from the bridal shower), and I at the table, as well as some other people that I didn't know.

Somehow in our dinner conversation, Curti and I decided that it would be great if we could have flashlights to shine on people to point out fashion faux pas and absurdities in general. I was pretty sure that we were attending a wedding reception at which it would not have been overly challenging to find two flashlights, so we made a half-assed attempt to find them. That meant I asked my aunt if she had one. She said she usually does, but didn't that day. She did, however, ask one of our tablemates, who did have her flashlight, holstered securely to her belt.

We didn't really go further, though. Like I said, it was a half-assed endeavor. Plus, it just didn't feel right asking people to give up their flashlights to be used as tools to mock them.

Flashlighterella is shown below, at the far right.



Look at those long, glorious locks! Also in the picture, is Curti, who was basically in the picture just to take a picture of the people behind him.... That sexy couple was actually the focus, specifically the man. He was the one in the church with the cut-off sleeves. Hotness!

You know how weddings have cute little gifts? Party favors, if you will? This one was no exception. And let me tell you, these were keepers.

What was the wedding favor you ask? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words.....



Yes, that's right ladies and gentelmen. A can coozie. With the names and date on it. And a heart, of course. Awwwwwww! And yes, my aunt put her wine glass in, to add a touch of class.... That was futile, though, because I don't think that it could've gotten any classier anyway. Haha.

Another prime example of class was Bob Fay. He initially drew attention to himself my removing his false teeth at the dinner table. That was excellent. then we looked down, and there was certainy a sight for sore eyes.... Bobby Fay's footwear.... Sly picture number three is below.






Yep. That's right. He wore slippers to the wedding. Hawt!

He was not the only one with a fashion statement to make. There was a man there wearing Bugle Boy. Yes, that's right, Bugle Boy. Soooo, time for sly picture number 4. Thanks, Mom, for the help on that one! And yes, there is a man wearing a baseball cap in the background. As there should be!





Now, at some point, we noticed that one of Marv's co-workers' wives was pregnant and smoking. And drinking Sharp's. This is where Marv impressed me immensely.

I've always known that Marv was the most honest man ever, and that he doesn't care what other people think, but he really took this to another level. He told his co-worker that he needs to tell his "old lady" (that's biker terminology for "wife") that she needs to quit smoking while she is pregnant. This apparently pissed the co-worker off, most likely not as much as the actual smoking pissed Marv off. Apparently, this pissed off co-worker told someone else about what Marv did, because this someone else came up to Marv to tell him that he thought that it wasn't any of Marv's business what this man's wife did, and that Marv shouldn't have said anything.

Marv's response is priceless and perfect.

"It's none of your fucking business what I said to him."

Oh, perfection. The irony!

Anyway, yeah, Marv was on fire....

Soon later, he looks over and sees his boss' secretary, and says, "Aw man, now I have to go tell my boss's secretary that she can't wear that dress."

And another dress comment from Marv, regarding the girl Sarah from the wedding, was "I slept in tents smaller than that dress at Sturgis." Bru-tality.

Oh, and by the way, if this seems a little disjointed, it is because I wrote everything before this point last night before I went out, and am writing this part the next morning. LL and I popped into Murphy's at about 1:20am, and said hi to Buddha, who was hilarious, added words to the dictuary, and did the most remarkable veloceraptor impression I have ever seen in my life. It was incredible, to say the least.

Anyway, back to the reception account.... Also present, albeit late, was Nancy, who we used to live with my mom and I right after my parents got divorced. She's hilarious, and wearing a hoodie. That's appropriate for a wedding reception, no?




I thought it would be good to take a picture with the bride. She is, afterall, one of my childhood friends. It was, however, very odd to me that she is married now, younger than me, and I don't even have a boyfriend. Oh well. I'll find one someday - haha. But doesn't she look beautiful?




So earlier, I said that I would talk more about Donnie.... Well, Curti and I had given him a nickname. We called him "Wes Onetooth," in the style of Wes Mantooth of Anchorman fame. My mom says that he has "Summer teeth," meaning that some'r there, some aren't.

Let me just say that the ones that are..... aren't pretty. at all.

Anyway, around the time that I had taken the picture with the bride, Donnie decided that he wanted one, too. And being the vulturistic goofball that he is, he decided that he wanted to make an impression on the world by lifting her skirt up. Thank goodness that it was a dress with tons of layers underneath!

So here's that visual treat for you....




Yeah, drink it in. And no, that image has not been photoshopped. That is reality, ladies and gentlemen.


After that, we called it a night pretty shortly. Mom and Marv went home, and Curti and I went to a couple choice Racine watering holes. That was lame (shocking), so we went to White Castle (which sounds amazing right now), and went back to my mom's to re-cap.


It was here that I found out that Marv's bosses apparently were talking about me to Curti when I was elsewhere....


I believe the quote was, "Good luck with that tonight."


THAT? Really? And didn't they catch that I was with my FRIEND Curti? Come on. Vultures.


After many laughs at many people's expense, it was time for bed.


And there you have it! Hopefully, I didn't forget anything.... There might be an edit or two after

Mom and Curti read it.... Hope you enjoyed!