Wisconsin Barbie

I want to start out by saying that the opinions expressed in the following blog are not necessarily my own. The vast majority of this blog is copied and pasted directly from an email I received a few months ago from a good friend. In fact, I don't even know where some of the places that are mentioned below are located, much less what stereotypes plague them.

I do, however, know that some seem pretty accurate. I'll let you be the judge!

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Wisconsin Market:

"Fox Point Barbie" This princess Barbie is sold only at the Galleria of Shoppes. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Appleton Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily, is always late and has no full-time occupation or goals. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Beloit Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ....unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Brookfield Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you won't be able to afford any of them.

"La Crosse Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk (or sober). Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Ashland Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Beloit Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Madison Barbie" This doll is made of actual tofu. She's stinky and has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Madison Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag and a "bow-hunter" bumper sticker with lots of little deer hoove prints if you are Fred for free.

"Racine Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant (try looking in Chicago).

"Walkers Point (Milwaukee) Barbie/Ken" This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

And this final one.... From my friend, a photographer, Gib.... And here's his commentary (this was his response when I forwarded him the email, along with the above doctored Barbie):

"I didn't even notice this one of you!!! All bruised up from your boyfriend who you caught sleeping with your mother. Suh-wheeet!

I gave you a flat tire, too. Seems your boyfriend took your trailer off the hitch of his pickup and slashed your tires before he left. Pooooor Mandie. You should share this with your friends so you get their sympathy. That's all you've got going for ya at this point."

I think with the bruising, he was ALSO referencing this photo he shot of a fellow model, Jean, and I (and it should be noted, since it's notable, that the makeup in this shot was done by Mark Schmudde):

Alright, that's enough fun for one evening.... I think I am going to "put away" the clothes that are piled on my bed.... And by "put away," I actually mean "put on the bean bag so I can sleep now and actually put them away tomorrow," and by "tomorrow" I probably actually mean "Sunday." I know, it's brutal.

G'night!