Hodgepodge of Absurdity.

This blog is going to be really random, and likely long.




I'll begin with a further update on Mamalicious.



I've obviously talked to her every day since the lumpectomy. She has been in great spirits and pretty much hilarious, which is not a surprise.

On the day after, I called and asked her how she was doin', and she said she's Smurfin.



Her skin did turn blue from that operation, and stayed that way a long time. It's fading, though.



So that's a plus.



Finally went down to Ray-town to see her yesterday afternoon. I was on the phone with a friend, discussing my plans for the day, and talking about the fact that my students made her a card, so I felt like even though it was negative a million degrees outside, I felt it was necessary for me to stop and pick up a card, because although I was sure she wouldn't care about having a card or not either way, I thought I'd look like a douchebag walking in with a card from my students, a signed "bartender of the week" card from Shawn, and nothing from me!



So he suggested that I bring her a fruitcake.


I was like, "A fruitcake? You've met my mom."


"That's why it would be funny! You should bring her a ham."


So I decided that yes, indeed, I will bring her a ham.


So I went and got her a card from Walgreens, because I also had to drop off my prescription for eye drops that I will need after my lasik on Wednesday. Then when I got to the Hamptons of the Midwest (Racine, obviously, Duh!), I popped over to the grocery store and bought myself a ham.



Those of you who know me well, know I have a serious issue with the g-store. Least favorite place to be. Usually takes me at least a couple hours to get through. Well, I gotta say, I did it. I went in, went straight to the ham section, grabbed a ham, grabbed a kit kat, and got out.



Well, it didn't go QUITE that smoothly. Almost bought ham product. I thought it was weird that it was perfectly shaped, and that it said it was 35% ham or something, so I walked around a little more and found real hams.



The cashier made fun of me, though.



"Find everything alright?"



"Yep!"



"You got your ham and your kit kat and you're all set?"



Then it occurred to me just how absurd my life really is. (I know... It just now is occurring to me? What?) Who just goes to the grocery store and buys just a ham? That's right, bitches, I do!



So I walk into my mom's house, into the livingroom. Thought the effect would be more dramatic if I had the ham out of the bag, so I did.



Mom says, "She comes bearing ham?!"

And I explain the story to my mom, and in no time, we're laughing so hard we're crying.



She tells me she feels like Hef walking around in her silky pajamas.



So, after dinner, we decided that we'd take a picture of her with the ham in her hef pajamas.








Love it!

So I just got off the phone with her. She went to the doctor today.

News is not good.

She has to have a mastectomy on Thursday. Chemo starts next week, I believe.

Let me just take this opportunity to say that I am really f'ing sick of this roller coaster.

Don't know if you caught it from the last blog, but I am tired of getting these lovely percentages that she's fine, and then seeing her defy the odds again.

"These microcalcifications are not a big deal. 80% of the time, it's nothing."

Just kidding!

"You have cancer. We'll do a lumpectomy though, and after that, we're 90% sure that she will be done with surgery."

And, like I said in the last blog, that's ten whole percent.

And then today, "It's stage two, and we're going to need to do a mastectomy Thursday, and then chemo."

What the hell does stage two even mean?

On the plus side, she's not going to have to worry about lymphadema. She was concerned. Doesn't care much about her boobs, but it'd suck to deal with issues with her arm.

Another plus (always gotta look at the silver lining - I'll quote my mom herself when I say "My luggage is always full, I just don't know where the hell it is." Ever the optimist!), is that if anyone besides Demi Moore can look hot bald, it's my mom. She's such a bad ass. She'll rock a Harley bandana and it'll be just fine. She and I agreed today, though, that she would look stupid if she wore one of those female turbans, so we'll scratch that off the list.

So yeah, I guess right now I am going to ask that if anyone comes across a fly bandana for Mamalicious to rock, please let me know, and we'll work something out for me to get my hands on it or whatnot. And Buddha, I told her you'd probably let her borrow your mullet wig, and she said she'd pass. Maybe I better look up those Star Jones catalogues, haha.

Final positive note for this is that she was talking to the nurse today, who told her that she would be able to discuss reconstructive surgery next week, so she could get one or both done.

Mamalicious' response?

"Supersize me!"

The nurse said, "What letter of the alphabet are we talking about?"

Haha, so yeah. Mamalicious is good. We're some tough broads.

So now this morning, she already got this video in an email to cheer her up this morning, before the appointment, so here I am to cheer her up with a blog afterward.

It's going to be random. It's of a few things, including random pictures I've been taking to keep the New Year's resolution.

So here goes!

One thing I oft make fun of LL for is getting hammered and saying that people are her soulmates. She has a new soulmate just about weekly. We still don't even know the first soulmate's name. Bru-tal.

Anyway, I think this is rubbing off on me, since I've proclaimed two soulmates in the past week!

Here's a picture of the first one.





Are we serious? A fine, naked black man with a great ass chugging Patron straight from the bottle? I don't think I need to say any more.

No, I've never met him, and probably never will. I'm ok with that.... Unless fate brings us together, it'll just be in my dreams. Haha.

We'll get to my second soulmate later.

Anyway, there's no real story to the next picture, either... It's just that when we got to Decibel one night last week or the week before, Shawn and Parker were a pair of moustachioed men, and this is the very reason why I keep my camera in my purse at all times.



Love it.

So yeah.... Leather and Lace night. We went for Shanda's birthday.

We dressed up. I wore my leather-ish pants and a lace shirt and bra. LL wore a cami with lace around the top. There were quite some sights!

I saw men in leather thongs. There was a fetish show on a stage with a professional dominatrix who suddenly shouted "Are there any girls who want to be dominated?"

Fiff.

Two guys asked LL while we were waiting for drinks. Said they had covered a girl in pudding, whipped cream, and angel food cake and had 8 people lick her clean. They asked LL if she wanted to be next.

Oh boy.

Anyway, here are some pictures from the night...



Some guy had walked up to me and asked me if he could call me cat woman. When I told him that he could, he kissed my hand and said "Me fuckin' ow!"

Hilarity.



Let me also say that I know why they call the place the inferno. It's three hundred damn degrees in that place! That'd be why we had the shiniest faces in the United States. We were covered in sweat!

There's LL and Shanda, the birthday girl...

And LL and I once again. This picture was taken by a transsexual we befriended named Nicole. We learned so much from her! She had a lot of insight on the differences between both sexes, because she's been both! Or at least, she'll be able to say that soon!

So yeah, very interesting. Regrettably, I didn't want to take too many pictures, because I didn't want people to think I was just doing it because it was a freak show or something. Even sadder is that Nicole wouldn't take a picture with us, because she doesn't appear in pictures until she is done with her change.

Ok, this blog totally has ADD. Well, I guess ADHD. Danielle tells me that ADD is an outdated name.

SO there's a Thursday night shot at Deep Bar.... Spencer and Seth love soccer moms, and JC loves making weird faces. Perfect! Mamalicious, I appologize that I don't play soccer. I am sure that Spencer and Seth would still love you anyway.

Another great picture from Thursday night depicts Dustin being a scary vulture.

Very scary!

So yeah, that was Thursday.

Friday was Dustin and Drew's Decibel Birthday Soiree. Great times of course!

They had the most hilarious birthday flyer EVER. I think I am going to ask and see if I can get it emailed to me. It's a glove for sure!

And, my favorite DJ, DJ Streetz (or Street Treatz) was there, which was super exciting.

Somehow or another, I ended up in his shoes. No, I did not walk a mile!

And LL, who loves hugs about as much as I do, thought she'd show Streez some love...

RE-DO!

Cute! I wish I knew what he was doing! Haha.

Saturday was LL's birthday celebration. Her actual birthday is Thursday, and we'll likely be going out that night, as long as my surgery and my mom's surgery go well.

So we started out with dinner at Water Buffalo, which was absurd for many reasons. The food, however, was delicious and very reasonably priced!

Here's Danielle, being silly.

And here's LL and I with Dustin at Decibel, of course!

Obviously, my head tilt got a little out of control and took over Dustin's face. Oops!

The next picture, of LL, Danielle, and I, is quite possibly the worst picture ever taken of LL in the history of her life.

It doesn't even look like her! Bru-tality!

Here's LL and Amber, another Decibel regular.... That girl brings out my inner sorority girl! I think I might've even drunkenly screamed with excitement when I saw her, which is just about the most absurd thing ever, since it is WAY out of character for me, and because I am pretty sure we saw her Thursday! Or, if it wasn't Thursday, it was definitely Tuesday at the very longest time ago! Brut swoop!

There's a picture Drew took of the four of us. I think he took it from San Antonio, because it is pretty damn far away! I love how differently all four of us our dressed. I also must add that I am pretty sure I am going to be borrowing Danielle's shirt if I can get myself into it, because it is definitely hot!

Amber definitely went on a picture-taking rampage that night, and we were even taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves in the mirror. If they are blog-worthy, I will be posting those bad boys as soon as she gives me the chance!

That was the last picture I took that night.

It was a great time! Much like Friday, it was a late night.

So that is where the train stops for this story.

For a long ass time, I've been saying that I'm going to blog to explain the dictuary. Here it finally is.

It all started some Wednesday night up in Madison.... We did the Wing Ding Wednesday thing, and the Captain was flowing like a river.

This blog is going to contain some really good looks for LL. In addition to the worst picture ever taken, I also have what might be the most hilarious. Ready?

Lookin good!

And here she is with Mara.

Here's a group shot.... Looks like a slightly different atmosphere than what I've grown used to now at Decibel, doesn't it? Haha.

Apparently, as it often is the case, once just wasn't enough.

After a night of Wings and absurdity, I needed food (shocking, right?!)

So, we decided that it would be best if we went to Sentry to buy ingredients for S'Mores. Clearly!

LL and I had to use the bathroom, and decided it would be a fantastic idea to initial the chores chart for bathroom maintenance at Sentry.

Then we went back to Mara's and made S'Mores in the microwave. If you've never done this, you really need to. Few things (and by few things, I mean a decent amount of things) are as fun as watching the marshmallow expand in the microwave.

This, of course, involved a lot of laughter.

Take a look at Danielle. No, it's not a giant table. She's short, but not that short. She's just sliding on down, due to hysterical laughter. Most likely laughing at LL and I, because we were surfing a tsunami of absurdity (not swagger like Chazz Michael Michaels in Blades of Glory).

I know I was laughing pretty hard at us. So hard that it took me about 49 minutes to eat one S'More, and I definitely had mascara all over my damn face, as you can see.

Obscene. Danielle loves that picture, though, so I had to put it in.

Note my charm bracelet from Mamalicious. If you ever see me out and wearing it, you gotta ask for the story on that one.... But only if you have about an hour and a half to spare!

So LL was hammered, and hilarious.

She was trying to tell us all about how she had just read that the word "ginormous" had been officially added to the dictuary, but she was slurring over her words.

When we called her out on this word-slurring, she said....

"I'm Merriam Fucking Webster. I wrote the fucking dictuary."

Dictuary? Really? Not the dictionary? Oh Lord.

Clearly, I was amused.

Anyway from that day forward, LL and I decided we were going to make a dictuary. She has it with her almost all the time, and it comes in handy. Some people have even gotten pretty gung ho about it, wanting to be quoted in it.

There are two parts.

First part is just what you would expect. It's definitions of words we use.

There are also a couple lists involved, like the list of known vultures, and the list of gloves.

Then, if you turn it over, you have the "fucking psalms section," which is a lot of quotes, either things we've said, or things people have said to us. We think it's hilarious, and many other people seem to agree.

The night wasn't over, so I guess I will just throw in some random pictures from the rest of that night for fun!

There's Danielle in Mara's pants. They fit pretty much perfectly, as you can see!

Mara's roommate Shanda (girl who's birthday was Leather and Lace night) has a young daughter, so here's Jamie wearing Shanda's daughter's tiara!

Lookin good, Jameson!

Of course the laughs continued. And when Danielle laughs, she often loses control of her body and falls onto the floor. The night of Merriam Fucking Webster was no exception.

I take advantage of this whenever possible. If I think her tipping over is a possibility, I won't hesitate to push her over.... And once she's down, I like to mess with her. What are friends for, right?

There I am, attacking her! Poor girl! Then I decided that I needed to play airplane. Obviously! Props to Danielle for being able to hold my big self up! I know I am not big compared to most people, but you've seen Danielle!

And yeah, the laughing continued....

More airplane....

Woooohooooo!

Then, we were under attack by an enormous vulture! Don't forget.... If it has wings and isn't an angel, it's a vulture!

Blurriest picture ever, I know!

Danielle joined in on the tiara fun.... Here she is with Merriam!

Woo! What a night.

Don't forget, if you know of any bandanas, let me know. AND, I am still trying to think of a team name for that 60-mile walk I wanna do in August for Mamalicious, so send me those suggestions!

Alright, time to relax.