"Pooping to Stay Cool" and the list!

Happy Escape Day!

One of my students is just plain bizarre. Today, she outdid herself.

First, during third hour (I have many of my students twice a day), she randomly says "What if toilets were live hippo heads that could talk?"

I did not even have any idea what to say to her. How absurd?!

Later, during 8th hour, there was an issue with an orange. I had peeled it during sixth hour but didn't have the chance to touch it again until during 8th hour. When I went to eat it, I noticed the whitish yellow stuff on the outside of the orange (yet inside the peel) was crispy and hard. It was so gross! So I shared this information with the class.

One of my students then told me that it was a shame that I would not be able to enjoy the orange's citrusy goodness. Then this bizarre student says "Something will enjoy it."

And then she thought about it for a minute... And she's like "It will probably be vultures."

I could not hold in my laughter AT ALL. Of course, I was thinking of my friends and the fact that we call most male humans "vultures" because they are a predatory mammal that swoops down in search of booty.

Anyway, back to my student. She thinks again for a minute, and then says "Vultures are gross. They poop on their legs instead of sweating."

I was just dying. I couldn't even take it. I am not sure if this statement she made about such vultures is fact or not, but oh man. It was one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. A little late on in the hour, she said, out of nowhere "...and I'm not kidding about vultures pooping on themselves to stay cool."

Then she calmly asked me "What if snowflakes screamed and attacked anyone who stepped on them?"

OK. That's enough about her. Hysterical though, isn't it?

Another funny student story... A kid (7th grader who always tries to flirt) asked me yesterday if I knew that my hair blew like wind when I walked, like a superstar does.

Oh, kids are so humorous!

You know who else is humorous? Parents. That's why this post is dedicated to my mom.

At Christmas, out of nowhere (it seems like almost everything in my life is completely random and out of nowhere*), my mom asked me if something that had happened a long time ago had scarred me for life. I told her that it hadn't, and then she proclaimed that the other night, her and Marv (her husband, my stepdad), had made a list of things that they did when I was a kid that might've scarred me for life so that they could ask me about them the next time I came home.

Without further ado, here's the list:

1. The time they made me talk to the deaf girl
2. The City Slickers thing.

Leave it to my ridiculous mom to write a list with two things on it, and still call it a list. I don't know if list technically needs more than two, but it would seem to me that this would be a jotting of a couple things on a scrap piece of paper more than it would be the crafting of a list, but what the hell do I know? That's not the point anyway. Let's get to the stories.

1. The time they made me talk to the deaf girl. When I was around 8 or so, a girl moved across the street who was deaf. My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to try to befriend her. I agree. This was a good idea. In theory, it is excellent to try to get me to talk to as many different types of people as possible, and to teach me to look past different people's differing abilities.

But, as often is the case, theory and practice do not always go together like Chinese Food and Chocolate Pudding (Thanks, Cal Naughton Jr, for that fine Talladega Nights quote!).

I walked across the street, with a pen and pad of paper in hand, hoping to befriend the sweet little girl from across the street and talk to her via writing notes on the pad I was bringing.

I don't remember if it was something smooth, like "Hi!" or something even smoother like "Do you want to play with me?" or "Do you want to be my friend?" but whatever it was, it made an impact.

Upon reading whatever it was that I had written on the paper, she promptly taught me some sign language that I had long known: she flipped me off.

I swear to you that this is not a fabrication, but real trauma that I suffered! I didn't steal it from a TV show either, though it sounds like something that would happen on one. Apparently, my mom watched all of this transpire from our porch, where she met the issue of not knowing whether to pity her poor daughter, or laugh hysterically. My guess is that she did both.

A follow-up to this story would be that a few months later, we all saw the girl storm out of her house and lock herself in the car, with her mom following her, yelling as she signed. The girl then became a personal hero of mine when she basically gave her mom a big "F U" by covering her eyes with her hands, to stop the intake of the lecture of whatever she did wrong!

Item #2: The City Slickers incident. You all know the movie "City Slickers." Billy Crystal goes on a herding expedition or something like that and gets in touch with his cowboy roots, falls in love with the calf he delivers, names it "Norman," brings it home to his family, and then lays on a million inappropriate sexual innuendoes to his wife that you don't understand until you see the movie again as an adult (it's alarming!).

Anyway, when I first saw this movie, it was during a phase in my life that involved me being a hardcore vegetarian. For about 6 years, I didn't eat any meat because I felt sorry for the animals that were slaughtered to provide it. Anyway, my mom and Marv used to say that Norman was on his way to being a Big Mac. All the time. And I used to cry about it.

I know, I know... That's not as good of a story. And no, it did not scar me for life. I think it's good they did that - I clearly needed a thicker skin anyway!

Since option #2 on the list was kind of a lame story, I am going to throw in a bonus childhood memory for you... One that definitely shaped who I am today.

Late one autumn night after dark, we came home from the bar (I spent a lot of time at bars as a child!), my mom decided that it would be a good idea to do a little terrorism. Now I am obviously not talking suicide bombing, or really any bombing at all... What I am talking about is the fact that there were just too many neat piles of leaves on our street. So we quietly (well, as quietly as we could've while surpressing giggles) scattered the leaves back into our neighbor's yards. Can you imagine waking up to find all the leaves you raked scattered back all over your yard? Would you believe that it was a 30-year old woman's idea? That's my mom for you. How funny and random is she? And do you still wonder why I am the way that I am???? Haha. Brut brut! I am sure there will be more stories in this vein!

You may have noticed the asterix above. Here's why it was there!

*Speaking of my life and randomness, I gotta shout out something that just cracked me up like you wouldn't believe. While celebrating the likes of Bob Eucker's and Marlon Wayans' birthdays, as well as Australia Day and Opposite Day (different sides of midnight), my girl LL and I were out at Murphy's. Absurd things were going on as usual, and at one point, I turned to LL and said

"Is my life serious?"

to which she replied

"No, I am pretty sure your life is a joke."

HA! I'm still laughing about that one.

Alright, time to go to another basketball game. Such is my life these days!